Monday, November 23, 2009
That's what I do now to make ends meet.
(Unrelated tangent: Until sometime fairly late in life - late enough for me not to disclose the time/date - I thought the expression was "make ends meat," and had convinced myself that "ends meat" was a colloquialism for the meat/food/sustenance that you have when you're really poor or when the pantry's almost empty. End tangent.)
My first adventure in substituting was 5th grade. Also to note: 5th graders are tall. They are also scary when they are "bowing up" to you. What does the term "bowed up" mean, you ask? I didn't know either, until one of my students "bowed up" to me as I was telling him that his partner - who had just previously hurled an eraser at the back of my head - was going to have to sit outside for the rest of the class. Upon hearing that he would have to be working alone, this young hoodlum "bowed up" straight to my face. This meant, that he jerked his shoulders and elbows ("bows") back to feign as if he was going to hit/attack me bodily. If he hadn't been just barely at my shoulder height, I might have been more alarmed than I was.
But, I was ok. My demeanor changed/morphed/matured instantly as I became not a fairly controlled, kind substitute that they had never met, but was now an angry, mean, scary old lady who would punish them until their grandchildren felt it, who heard herself say with a constricted throat and a hoarse whisper, "GET. OUT. SIDE."
It was only after I called the ISS teacher that I learned the expression "bowed up" when I demonstrated what he did.
I guess I should start wearing heels and scary spectacles to make myself look older/more menacing.
Sigh. Two days of work and I'm ready for Thanksgiving already.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
1. I drive way too slow. And by "way too slow" I mean I generally, if not literally, fear for my life every time I think about getting on the feeder road to Central. I am probably going 40 miles UNDER the "unposted" speed limit. Very scary. Big Hummers and tiny little Mercedes whiz by me with only the glimpse of a little birdie that flies in my eye. And then clunky El Caminos, which can't exactly make quick decisions like one to cut me off, instead just ride Mrs. Onasis' tail like she's 2 cent lady of the night. I was backing out of my parking spot in the mall the other day, and some lady laid/slept/camped out on her horn at me, because apparently, I was blocking her way. (Though, if I remember correctly, she wasn't there when I start to back out...) I responded by laying/sleeping/camping out on my horn as I backed out completely (now facing her) and waved emphatically and smiled genuinely. She was very confused.
2. Finding a job issssssssss hard? Dear Starbucks, Unnamed Company, Anthropologie, Free People, Wal Mart, Whole Foods, Richardson ISD, Saltgrass Steak House, Merry Maids, Pier 1: Your swift rejections make me feel like I'm not competent enough to be left home alone or to use a knife without supervision.
3. In general, I have a love/hate relationship with the Federal government. Last month, I received a hefty tax return check - FROM 2007 (!?). Weird, I thought, whilst I skipped to the bank. Love. Then today, I get in the mail two notices from the federal and state governments saying there's been a mistake and I instead OWE THEM money from 2007. (2007. 2007!? I mean, really. I've moved on, haven't you?) Hate. So, that's awesome. In addition to the limb and left kindney I owe to my Dentist (how i love and hate thee as well), my mechanic, and now, Uncle Sam, I am feeling like it could be beans and rice for dinner for a while now.
4. In lighter news: I went to register for my first semester as a seminary student. Woot. I love that master's programs just start right out with interesting classes, and you don't have to sit through 7 semesters of general education survey crap just to get to the good stuff. Hello, abnormal psychology.
More updates soon. Can't wait for Thanksgiving - the best holiday (sorry anne, the one true thing we disagree on)
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
hello texas and warmth and brother and sister and "the stars and stripes" and blue bell and huge southern hair.
Well, it's been about a week since I've moved. Yes! I finally moved! My sister should be jumping for joy somewhere back in the Show-Me state.
A few things just kinda fell together, and with the help of a very outspoken, self-knowing sister, I have been booted from the nest. I loved being at home, even despite of all the jokes. It basically gave me a safe place to land after YWAM filled with family, comfort, and a year-long hands-on cooking school (praise Him).
Though the lucrative business of administrative assisting was very...lucrative...I have been praying and asking for new direction for awhile now.
So. Here I am in Big D. (THOUGH IT IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT ANNE. UGH. THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER POST IN ITSELF.)
Starting school in January for a master's in counseling.
Living with a dear friend from college.
Interviewing at a few choice (and not-so-choice) locations.
Believing that the Lord sees me still.
That's my update.
I do miss my family
and this girl
(who is one of the funniest people I have ever met. ever.)
And Fall - generally
(Texas is perpetually summer/spring....and so not many beautiful treeeeesss)
But things are going well.
Buahaha, ok, Lord. Adventure in the Lone Star State.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
they usually can find the other's eyes, and will sit contentedly in a gaze long after the words they've spoken have hung in the air and are whisked away by the momentously profound feelings that are spoken between them in the following silence.
The quiet between them seems to say 'I love you' over and over and over again.
It's in the way they watch one another.
She watches him, waits for him, laughs delightedly at him. He watches her, enjoys her, is filled by her.
Sometimes, we can all be in the middle of a completely normal conversation, and then she's suddenly captured his eye with some deep, unknown-to-everyone- else sweetness, and they're enraptured in something that I find quickly I'm not apart of.
They are intimate with one glance of the eye.
Going to places I haven't been, can't be, won't be, because it's only, ever, only between the two. I think I even feel the slightest bit embarrassed to be watching.
i love you i love you i love you i love you, their silence whispers
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
It seems wild to me only because we're so different in a lot of ways. And because aside from my family, she's been with me through life the longest. From high school dances, to driver's licenses, to college far away, to wayward journeys, separate lives, and separate friends, but keeping a singular home, the same Father in Heaven.
We've lived almost half our lives knowing one another (which I feel like should either lend itself to true respect or...not).
I love that she is intentional with her friends.
I love love love that even when I don't ask, she
PRAYS FOR ME.
I love that she has never strayed from pursuing her Father in Heaven.
I love how she respects her parents.
I love how I can count on her - to make me feel welcomed, loved, seen.
I love how she makes fun of me when I need it most.
I love that she knows me, takes part in my life, adds to my life,
even though we're hundreds of miles away.
I am so grateful for her love and friendship.
I am grateful that she is part of my joy amid struggle.
(And, yes, I'm glad she's found a boy that can appreciate all this in her too)
"Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself."
1 Sam 18:1
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
I found this chiffarobe (yeah, i didn't know it was called that until I found out from Kayla. Who knew? She did) at a garage sale for $25.00. It was a weird green-tinted wood, so i went ahead and painted the whole thing. Stan was skeptical. But, He ended up liking the colors after all.
This used to be a puke-yellow mirror. I had planned on sanding it down to paint it something entirely different, but instead found this wonderful vintage white paint under the yellow. I used it for a while as a mirror, but when I moved it broke! Undaunted, I stole some potted plant hangers, and strung the "Grace" up by fishing wire. An excellent improvement upon a tragedy, I'd say! (The fall wreath is just for the lovely season ahead!)
The pillow on the bed is my latest endeavor. Don't look too closely - the seams aren't so pretty. But, I love the fabric and needed to redo the dilapidated pillowcase that used to be covering it.
And this is what I gave my sisters-in-law for Christmas (thanks, Katie Apple for the idea.) I think they enjoyed them...hopefully, since I gave myself 2nd degree burns in using the glue gun to get these puppies together. Owie. (please also note amazingly-cute chalkboard/calendar in the background. also a 'homemade' item.)
Soooo Martha, yes?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
The wrath of God was satisfied -
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
i would be paid to be a musician: violin, ukelele, harmonica, kazoo, whatever. there is just a life in music that i can't really explain, but only understand vaguely enough to pursue wildly.
i want to help people.
that sounds stupid and idealistic, but i do. at the very basis, i want my life to be in service for someone.
if i never had to reconcile a business account again, i wouldn't be sorry in the slightest.
i think i have allowed myself to be lulled to sleep by the drone of passing cars in a city during rush hour, and have forgotten what adventure is. and it's true: my adventure may very well be in another 9 to 5 job, but i am certain no shrub is safe from wild attacks of imagination from here on out.
i want to be known as an intercessor.
i believe in the power and movement of prayer, and i want it to be something that defines me. the only answer i have ever found to be uncompromisingly true has been something i've discovered in prayer.
i still believe that i follow Christ
and He changed me.
that may sound mystical or flimsy, but it's the Truth. i don't believe someone can be changed by imagination or even by their own will.
as backwards as this sounds - especially with a post with the majority of sentences beginning with "i" - i don't want my life to be about me. i've done that and it just turns into a self-pitying vortex of empty faster than i can take deep breaths to talk myself out of it.
i want it to be for someone.
for them in prayer.
for them in love.
for Him in life.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
and lean not on your own understanding
will make your paths straight.
array me like a lily, Lord,
for i am
"the eternal God is thy dwelling place
and underneath are the everlasting arms"
Saturday, September 5, 2009
If you sit outside, and your back is to the house, it is nothing but greens and browns and trees and sky.
If you sit outside and you face the house, it is siding, an unkempt garden and a broken porch.
There is only one seat that faces the house and she always puts herself there, while the rest of us talk gaily and enjoy a late summer dinner under the Lime Tree, with a view of gardens and trees and green.
We don't argue; She doesn't point it out.
But she always sits facing the house.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
When my prayer is not answered, He remains a God who hears.
As I lean not on my own understanding, I am in awe of His generosity.
In times when I do not see breakthrough, I see Him in all things.
thank you for the stars,
and for light that we don't see
your kindness is from everlasting to everlasting,
and I walk daily in it.
thank you that your goodness is something I am apart of,
and thank you that it is something I can never understand.
lend me the grace to only walk beside you
Monday, August 17, 2009
It wasn't until early this morning that i remembered that I had blogged a while ago about just such a scenario here.
Would I still praise His name when breakthrough/revelation/help didn't come? Holy hell. Maybe not? I mean, my praise these days is a kind of wimpy, half-hearted "thank you" to the God of the universe who still lets me breathe each day.
I think I rebuke myself.
And I do praise you, Lord; for my health, for my family, for my best friends who are faithful to continue to pray for me, for my job, for MUSIC, for that lovely vacation that we had, for restoration, for healing, for my violin, for learning to walk with you, for your grace that covers me every.single.day, for crickets that chirp, for the early morning that's just quiet enough for me to hear from you, for giving your life for me. Hallelujah.
Friday, August 14, 2009
It's turning point in my life that I have begun to really appreciate the joy and peace of early mornings and late nights.
i love walking outside when no one's around. there's something so very magical about night and the melodic sounds of crickets hidden by the darkness.
I've asked the Lord to walk with me during these night walks, and I think He has.
He's very quiet though.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
2. i miss my friend
3. i like quitting jobs
4. i feel better when i sleep more
5. this is the coldest july i have ever experienced
6. i like music
7. jesus loves me
8. i veer to the old fashioned side of things (no cleavage before 5 pm, no white afer labor day...)
9. chocolate chip cookies have no subsitute
the rest, i probably don't know.
Monday, July 6, 2009
I finally bought a violin pick up
I got a tattoo
I went to Hawaii with YWAM
I went to Jakarta
Checked into an Indonesian hospital
Checked out and flew home
I fainted in a grocery store parking lot
I worked at CBMC
John got married
Applied for a job in Dallas, austin, houston, st. louis, kansas city
Got turned down in all those places
I rode in the car while my sister drove (scary)
Started dating Jordan
Got a job at Northwestern Mutual
Applied to seminary for counseling
....those are the things I've done since you passed away. Weird, huh? Seems like a lot. Seems like a lot of time has passed since I last saw you. But even yesterday, I was driving and for some reason, I couldn't imagine you not here. I could not see you as anything but alive and making fun of me for liking The Fray.
I remember a couple weeks before you died, you asked me about Ryan Adams' latest release, (you didn't have enough cash to buy it...surprise surprise. Haha) and I told you it was so-so. But it's always so-so when you first hear it. Needless to say, it turned out to be amazing. And there's a song on it that reminds me so much of you, because there's a line that says something about being fractured from the fall. I think Adams' reference might be biblical, but to me, it definitely is. And that's how I think you were: fractured from the Fall. As we all are, yes, but you were in a different way. And when i start to get sad, when I have to make myself realize that you are gone, I think of you being made new, being made whole and completely satisfied in Heaven.
What a thought for us today.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
No really. All this time I've been striving to hear His voice about what my next steps are, striving to find my purpose, striving to make a living doing something that doesn't make my soul shrivel up like a dried up raisin (thank you, Jordan).
I can't say I've been especially patient.
I can't say I have been patient.
But I was in the kitchen the other day, and felt I heard the Lord's voice gently reminding me where I was headed.
"There you are, Lord, where have you been?" I asked, instantly tearful. My heart has been so heavy with striving after His voice and His will. But it was as if I suddenly realized He had been speaking in a quiet whisper to me all along. "But why did you have to whisper?" I begged, hurt and impatient.
"Because I knew you would never listen to a Father who yells," was His only reply
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
In the last entry for Immanuel, it quotes that verse we talked so much about, Katie:
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross the rivers, they will not over take you" (Isaiah 43:2-3).
Why is it such a struggle to hear his voice and see his face in the freakin' midst of the waters? I don't know. The bible has so many instances of his ever-present faithfulness in the middle of battles and struggles - but it seemed that those were reserved and confined to the fragile pages of my Bible itself. They weren't for me. Was it so wrong for me to want Him to show up in bright lights and shakina glory and cause our slum to fall to its knees in repentance?? Was it so selfish for you to wish He would take away the pain and fear in all those surgeries, Katie?
I don't know.
But I know that His word says that He is an ever-present help in time of need; a refuge; a hiding place; a God Who Is With Us. And I am choosing to let those words and promises wash away my fears and doubts and hurt, so that I can see what is hidden more clearly the next time around.
Monday, May 4, 2009
And yet, even at my worst -- head over the toilet, vomitting my guts out from a liiiiiiiiiitle too much to drink -- I never felt less loved or less cared for. For that, I am so grateful. How the h she manages to balance integrity and grace like she does I will never friggin know.
And now, a brief listing of my favorite things abour her (or her and I).
1. How we both wear panty hose still to nice events -- because that's how good girls are raised.
(TTF for life)
So, HaPPy BiRthDAy AnNie!?!?!?!IEIEIEIEIEIEIIEI
Monday, April 20, 2009
Today is for Jordan.
Jordan is, as I have always said, one of the kindest people I know. Generally, his first inclination is to think, want, work for, look for the best of someone else. Sure, he hates on the generally-unstable charismatic crowd, and those are are intentionally, insatiably mean (st. louis drivers), but I think at the bottom of who Jordan is, he is waiting to think the best of them. I don't know why his kindness has always struck me, but it's like that song, something about the power of beauty in a wicked world. And that's what Jordan's kindness is -- it's like this beautiful, peaceful thing in the midst of a wicked and perverse generation (Thank you, Moses). And when all my kindness and gentleness has begun to wear away, his seems an unending fount.
Then there's his general ridiculousness. Ha. One of my favorite things about him at YWAM was that he and Anne and I had this perfect understanding about little hilarities that flew over most people's heads (i.e.: 4-hour Loren sessions or 8 years of protocol). While Anne and I would be trying desperately to hold in our laughter at our own depravity in comparison to sweet confessions of innocent little Korean girls who were broken of their having stolen Hello Kitty pencils when they were 4, Jordan's playful eyes would say a million different things, and then I was laughing in the middle of a very poignant moment.
I think his humor is delightful. It's like a general agreement that important things should never be taken too seriously, and ridiculous things (like giraffes) should be taken very seriously. He has flip-flopped a world of ghastly mistaken priorities, and so, with him, my world seems balanced.
As I've gotten to know jordan -- past all the pretend things that we love to pretend -- I have found that his pretend isn't really pretending at all. Sure, he pretends he's not afraid of Stan (my Dad), but he doesn't pretend to care or to confess or to really give. All those things to him are true and real.
And one of my very favorite things about him is that he isn't afraid. He isn't afraid of praying against huge territorial entities in the spiritual world (ahem); he isn't afraid of showing me who he is; he isn't afraid of leaving all his comforts (again and again) for a passion in his heart for the passions of His heart. He has intentionally put himself at unease to fulfill the will of God. He's shared his doubts and his frustrations, but I feel he has settled a long time ago that he would be at peace with who God is and where God called him.
"In fact, everyone who has left his homes, brothers, sisters, father, mother, children, or fields because of my name will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."
happy birthday, jordan. you are an old man.
young, spring chicken
Monday, April 6, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
He is unwaiveringly, unfailingly for me. He is eternal. He is perfect.
He is kind to me.
He is King of Kings. He is holy. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is sacrificial. He is the true judge.
His word will not return void. His promises endure.
He is more faithful than the coming morning. He is my hope. He is my shield.
"He has been a refuge for us..."
He is unchanging, immutable, everlasting.
He is my hiding place.
He is my song, my strength.
He has set me in the cleft of the rock to show me His face.
He is glorious.
He is a good shepherd. He neither slumbers nor sleeps.
He sees me.
And I am His.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you
where else can I go?
There's no other name by
which I am saved
Capture me with grace
My heart is yours for life
I need your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You
Monday, March 2, 2009
1 Peter 4:8
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13: 7-8
It's funny that I think if as Christians, we could really understand/believe/live this kind of love, we'd be sooooooooooo much better off. Seems strange that these two more-than-very familiar verses have seemed like I read them for the first time today.
But dang if I don't need to hear it again.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house form the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.
Thanks, Katie H. :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
At the slum in Tanaban.
This was a game kinda like rock-paper-scissors that we played with the kids in Tanaban. I LOVE Bayu's expression in this picture as he's very aptly acting out a gorilla. Haha.
Ha. This one is maybe my FAVORITE of Ryan. So classic
Hearyee, hearyee! This is the infamous Rice Pyramid, a traditional Indonesian meal at holidays and birthdays. Seriously. All that yellow is rice. Also, please note that the makshift "flags" on the side are actually hot peppers. Owie.
Haha ok. I was in the supermarket getting massive amounts of milk for the slum the next day, and as I was on knees counting out the cartons, this little thing came up and stood between me and the shelves. She just STARED. I imagine she had never seen a bule (a white person) up close...much less one that is as fair as I am. Her mouth is agape in shock.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
(Sigh. Traveling is something that is so dear to my heart and I'm not sure why.)
Also, resolution update: Still not a single diet coke!! WOOT!
Cinque Terre, ItalyI love this picture because I caught this little munkin while he was crying about something -- and subsequently being consoled by a lolli pop.
Church in Brugge.
Hah....this picture is just from a door in Germany. I just think the language looks like art itself!
Edinborough, Scotland. I remember this man and I chatted a bit. He was very opinionated about the fact that we "should excersize more." (Reasons he like ran up Sir Arthur's seat....) I was impressed.
Gotti, i think.