Saturday, January 19, 2008

a dwelling place

So strange that I feel continually lost. Even with a safe home, I'm at such unrest. And now, here I am, at YWAM in Hawaii, and I find myself near tears because I feel so lost. What is it that is keeping me from really 'dwelling'? Moving back home since graduation, I've definitely had to discipline myself to really live in the moment and not continually wonder if I'm in the right place. Because no matter where I go, to Dallas, to Waco, to good old East Texas, I'm still wrestling with finding my place. I'm (painfully) learning that 'home' has so little to do with location. I think I've always blamed my restlessness on the fact that my heart is in so many different places; that those I'm closest to are spread out all over the country, so how can I possibly be happy without being surrounded by them at all times? It's like I have this relentless desire to gather up all my intimate relationships in one place, some weird hippie commune of love or something. And in really listening to God's heart lately, at this so-transitory period in my life, I have found that He is my dwelling place.

"The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms."
Deuteronomy 33:27

I see now that no matter where I am, surrounded by those I love or not, that He is my peace. He is where my heart dwells restfully. I think since Josh's , I've really clung to home and the safety there. But, I also know that God has put in my heart desires that working in a cubicle just aren't going to fulfill. And I think I've walked out in such fear since his , a fear of losing what I love, and it has really stopped me from seeing the joy for the moment it is joyful.

Thank you, Father. I need you so much every day.

And tell Josh Happy Birthday (a day late :)