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So I've been praying and seeking about direction, and believing for breakthrough in a lot of different areas. And as I've been praying, I've toed a crazy line between days of faith and days of despair. Yesterday, as I was randomly reading this girl's "About Me" section on Facebook, I came face-to-face with a reality of my belief about God. This is part of what she said:

"First things first.....God is so good. There have been quite a few life changing/ life giving transitions lately. About 2 1/2 weeks ago I married my best friend and couldn't be happier! I love being married and highly recommend it.... Everyday we are reminded of the promises God has made for us and are so excited to continually see them fulfilled." (haha..AEH, recognize it?)

Basically, this girl married the love of her life, they are starting a ministry from the ground up, they love their church and are doing well financially. I don't want to be a kill-joy...but of course it's beautiful to see the promises of God when they result in a happy marriage and perfect jobs and everything is sunshine and roses. But I remember when right after Josh died, my friend Donna told me that sometimes "You have to KNOW that you KNOW that you KNOW that God is still good." In her own loss, Donna understood that God's promises and faithfulness does not always show itself in daisies and roses. Sometimes you just have to cling to a truth because it is Truth. And I think for a while, I just hung on to the principle that there are rough spots, but in general God's promises for beauty for ashes remained if you are faithful.

But this is what I had to ask myself after reading this girl's profile: If God never answered, if I never see breakthrough, if it is not beautiful and peaceful at the end of my day, would I still declare His goodness and faithfulness?

Oh man.

In general, I am not brave. I used to think I was. Or at least, I thought I did brave things, you know, travel the world, jump off bridges/cliffs, be sassy. But I'm not. I think I'd rather take the easy road than the high one. I'd rather pretend or ignore than be honest. I'd rather not try than to fail.

I think my bravery was circumstantial, kinda like how I viewed "God's faithfulness." As in, months from now, I don't want to write all over my blog about how "faithful God is and how his promises remain" WHEN I FIND THE JOB, or when I begin to walk in my purpose, because that's what I was believing for. I choose to believe that even if it doesn't come -- his faithfulness is still a piercing beauty that has won my heart. I want to walk with my God in all the faith I have because I KNOW that my God is good.

I still believe His heart is for me, that He is more faithful than the morning. But I want Him to know that if I believe my whole life for breakthrough or for help, and it doesn't come, I have sealed it on my heart that His faithfulness remains even when I can't see it. I know that He holds all things and He still holds me.


You are God alone,
from before time began,
You are on Your throne. You are God alone.
Right now, in the good times and bad,
You are on your throne. You are God alone.
You're unchangeable, unshakeable, that's what you are.
Because you are God alone.