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When I don't see the miraculous, I have felt Him walking beside me still.
When my prayer is not answered, He remains a God who hears.
As I lean not on my own understanding, I am in awe of His generosity.
In times when I do not see breakthrough, I see Him in all things.


thank you for the stars,
and for light that we don't see

your kindness is from everlasting to everlasting,
and I walk daily in it.

thank you that your goodness is something I am apart of,
and thank you that it is something I can never understand.

lend me the grace to only walk beside you

Ha

I was musing over the weirdness/uncertainty of my life last night with my mom, and I found myself repeating words that I almost recognized, but wasn't quite sure where I had heard them from. I was talking (complaining/whining) about how I am trying to do things "right" and why then, would the Lord be withholding from me? What cause for this continual state of "waiting" or unknowing (or ignorance, whatever...)?

It wasn't until early this morning that i remembered that I had blogged a while ago about just such a scenario here.

Would I still praise His name when breakthrough/revelation/help didn't come? Holy hell. Maybe not? I mean, my praise these days is a kind of wimpy, half-hearted "thank you" to the God of the universe who still lets me breathe each day.

Woops?

I think I rebuke myself.

And I do praise you, Lord; for my health, for my family, for my best friends who are faithful to continue to pray for me, for my job, for MUSIC, for that lovely vacation that we had, for restoration, for healing, for my violin, for learning to walk with you, for your grace that covers me every.single.day, for crickets that chirp, for the early morning that's just quiet enough for me to hear from you, for giving your life for me. Hallelujah.

night walking

i've taken to late night walks.

So amazing.

It's turning point in my life that I have begun to really appreciate the joy and peace of early mornings and late nights.

i love walking outside when no one's around. there's something so very magical about night and the melodic sounds of crickets hidden by the darkness.

I've asked the Lord to walk with me during these night walks, and I think He has.

He's very quiet though.

things i do know

1. i can't handle dairy
2. i miss my friend
3. i like quitting jobs
4. i feel better when i sleep more
5. this is the coldest july i have ever experienced
6. i like music
7. jesus loves me
8. i veer to the old fashioned side of things (no cleavage before 5 pm, no white afer labor day...)
9. chocolate chip cookies have no subsitute

the rest, i probably don't know.

dear josh

I worked at verizon
I finally bought a violin pick up
I got a tattoo
I went to Hawaii with YWAM
I went to Jakarta
Checked into an Indonesian hospital
Checked out and flew home
I fainted in a grocery store parking lot
I worked at CBMC
John got married
Applied for a job in Dallas, austin, houston, st. louis, kansas city
Got turned down in all those places
I rode in the car while my sister drove (scary)
Started dating Jordan
Got a job at Northwestern Mutual
Applied to seminary for counseling

....those are the things I've done since you passed away. Weird, huh? Seems like a lot. Seems like a lot of time has passed since I last saw you. But even yesterday, I was driving and for some reason, I couldn't imagine you not here. I could not see you as anything but alive and making fun of me for liking The Fray.

I remember a couple weeks before you died, you asked me about Ryan Adams' latest release, (you didn't have enough cash to buy it...surprise surprise. Haha) and I told you it was so-so. But it's always so-so when you first hear it. Needless to say, it turned out to be amazing. And there's a song on it that reminds me so much of you, because there's a line that says something about being fractured from the fall. I think Adams' reference might be biblical, but to me, it definitely is. And that's how I think you were: fractured from the Fall. As we all are, yes, but you were in a different way. And when i start to get sad, when I have to make myself realize that you are gone, I think of you being made new, being made whole and completely satisfied in Heaven.

What a thought for us today.

"you open the door for me"

a friend loves at all times

we are weirdos

So, I called kayla, the other bff, because I needed a listening ear and a good word of wisdom.

Not only did she let me just rant and rave without fear of judgment, but she responded with,

"Can I read you the prayer I prayed for you this morning?"

i

am

so

humbled

by

her

love.

What a friend that I can just call, on some random day of the week, and who will be ready and waiting with a prayer she prayed in in the quiet places with her Almighty, without my knowing.

Thank you, Jesus for friends like Kayla. Thank you for the woman that she is who sows in the secret and who will reap joy and life.