I read this passage about the Fall today and was so struck at its reality.
"Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man...Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their heart to impurity...because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator. "
- Romans 1:24
Mercy, Lord. Here I am. Ugh.
Thank the Lord and the makers of Zoloft. Ha. These last few weeks have been especially trying. And by 'trying' I do mean that Puffy (my favorite stuffed animal friend since I was maybe 2) has made a reappearance in my arms at night (uh, that's not a joke), and that unexplained crying is a part of my regular, daily routine.
I don't know why my heart feels so conflicted and unsettled. I don't know why I haven't found the way I want to walk. But I haven't. And I am. Yet still, I am confident that He is faithful. Nevermind the fact that I feel like my lifeless Puffalump (the aforementioned stuffed friend) has it more together than I do at this point (Oh you! With your constant gaze and stoic -- but friendly -- demeanor!) I am still resting in the promise that He has me. I am praying earnestly that my heart would remain faithful to His, and no matter what choices lay ahead, I would never exchange the truth about my God for any lie.
Lord, let my spirit rest in the glory of the immortal God, even when I am anything but at rest.
You have won my heart.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
mercy.
Monday, September 22, 2008
God, the comedian
So, I have this weird affinity for Praying Mantis (or is it Praying Mantises? Praying Manti? Ha). Anyways, I think they are cool. I mean, they look lives leaves and like a prayerful monk all in one.
I snapped both this pictures in Hawaii. But I've seen one around STL recently.
Ok. So the point is this: I've had a few people in my past who have chosen certain ordinary things that they have asked God to use to remind them that He is thinking about them or loves them or whatever. My mom's is a butterfly. I had a college pastor who chose red balloons. Anyways, it was literally yesterday when I was at the park that I decided I would make my little 'reminder' be these fabulous green weirdos. As in, whenever I saw its weirdness in action, I could be remind
ed that my Father is thinking about me and loves me no matter what.
Cool.
So. Today. My mom and I were taking a mid-morning walk because today is another one of those beauuuuuuutifulllll Fall days. Toward the end of our walk, my mom shrieks,
"Oh Jennie, look!" she says while pointing downward. What's she pointing at?
A dead, squashed Praying Mantis.
Literally, it looked like someone just took the little guy and laid him perfectly flat on his side and squished him dead. He even had his little 'praying' hands at ready. So there it was: the symbol I had chosen to be a sweet reminder between me and God that my Creator thinks of me -- flattened mercilessly and dead as a doornail.
Cool, God. Real cool.
I snapped both this pictures in Hawaii. But I've seen one around STL recently.
Ok. So the point is this: I've had a few people in my past who have chosen certain ordinary things that they have asked God to use to remind them that He is thinking about them or loves them or whatever. My mom's is a butterfly. I had a college pastor who chose red balloons. Anyways, it was literally yesterday when I was at the park that I decided I would make my little 'reminder' be these fabulous green weirdos. As in, whenever I saw its weirdness in action, I could be remind
ed that my Father is thinking about me and loves me no matter what.Cool.
So. Today. My mom and I were taking a mid-morning walk because today is another one of those beauuuuuuutifulllll Fall days. Toward the end of our walk, my mom shrieks,
"Oh Jennie, look!" she says while pointing downward. What's she pointing at?
A dead, squashed Praying Mantis.
Literally, it looked like someone just took the little guy and laid him perfectly flat on his side and squished him dead. He even had his little 'praying' hands at ready. So there it was: the symbol I had chosen to be a sweet reminder between me and God that my Creator thinks of me -- flattened mercilessly and dead as a doornail.
Cool, God. Real cool.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
"confessions" of his ; exhortation of mine
...If souls please you, let them be loved in God; for in themselves they are mutable, but in him firmly established -- without him they would simply cease to exist. In him, then, let them be loved; and bring along to him with yourself as many souls as you can, and say to them: "Let us love him, for he himself created all these," and he is not far away from them. For he did not create them, and then go away.
They are of him and in him.
Behold, there he is, wherever truth is known. He is within the inmost heart, yet the heart has wandered away from him. Return to your heart, O you transgressors, and
hold fast to him who made you.
Stand with him and you shall stand fast.
Rest in him and you shall be at rest.
Where do you go along these rugged paths? Where are you going? The good that you love is from him, and insofar as it is also for him, it is both good and pleasant. But it will rightly be turned to bitterness if whatever comes from him is not rightly loved and if he is deserted for the love of the creature. Why then will you wander farther and farther in these difficult and toilsome ways?
There is no rest where you seek it.
Seek what you seek; but remember that it is not where you seek it.
You seek for a blessed life in the land of death.
It is not there. For how can there be a blessed life where life itself is not?"
They are of him and in him.
Behold, there he is, wherever truth is known. He is within the inmost heart, yet the heart has wandered away from him. Return to your heart, O you transgressors, and
hold fast to him who made you.
Stand with him and you shall stand fast.
Rest in him and you shall be at rest.
Where do you go along these rugged paths? Where are you going? The good that you love is from him, and insofar as it is also for him, it is both good and pleasant. But it will rightly be turned to bitterness if whatever comes from him is not rightly loved and if he is deserted for the love of the creature. Why then will you wander farther and farther in these difficult and toilsome ways?
There is no rest where you seek it.
Seek what you seek; but remember that it is not where you seek it.
You seek for a blessed life in the land of death.
It is not there. For how can there be a blessed life where life itself is not?"
But our very Life came down to earth and bore our death, and slew it with the very abundance of his own life. And, thundering, he called us to return to him into that secret place from which he came forth to us...
For he did not delay, but ran through the world, crying out by words, deeds, death, life, descent, ascension -- crying aloud to us to return to him. And he departed from our sight that we might return to our hearts and find him there.
For he left us, and behold, he is here.
He could not be with us long, yet he did not leave us. He went back to the place that he had never left, for "the world was made by him."[104] In this world he was, and into this world he came, to save sinners. To him my soul confesses, and he heals it, because it had sinned against him.
O sons of men, how long will you be so slow of heart?
Even now after Life itself has come down to you, will you not ascend and live? But where will you climb if you are already on a pinnacle and have set your mouth against the heavens? ... Tell this to the souls you love that they may weep in the valley of tears, and so bring them along with you to God, because it is by his spirit that you speak thus to them, if, as you speak, you burn with the fire of love.
- St. Augustine, "Confessions"
book iv, chapter 12
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Dear God,
I'm kinda annoyed at you right now. Please know that I am extremely grateful for how you care for me and watch over me. But I just don't the heck know where my life is going or how I could even begin to do your will if I don't get to hear from you.
Signed,
Daughter
Signed,
Daughter
Sunday, September 14, 2008
into the wild
As I spent some time with God today, I was overwhelmed by my gratitude and overall happiness -- only to be shocked to find myself suddenly worried and anxious that I was going to miss something by my simple contentedness. I still want to go. I still want to travel. I remember the night before I left for YWAM, as I was packing, I thought to myself (in the midst of butterflies that were turning into a painful ache) 'Why do I always want to leave what's comfortable and safe?' There I was, in the peacefulness of my home, about to leave and start something completely unknown. And why? I guess it's childish to want to leave and explore and venture. And my thoughts brought me to Thoreau's famous quote about "sucking the marrow" out of life. I read the beginning of Walden, and found so much of what my heart speaks and didn't even know. Save and except the fact that Thoreau was probably an evolutionist atheist, I believe his searching is fairly true to life. As I read, I think it's become more clear why I have the desire to leave -- my experience at YWAM was hard and uncomfortable, and most importantly, simplistic. And I think that's why I felt so alive, and why it was my own Walden, respectively.
"When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality...children, who play life, discern its true law and relations more clearly than men, who fail to live it worthily, but who think that they are wiser by experience, that is, by failure"
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it..."
- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden", excerpts from chapter 2
"When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality...children, who play life, discern its true law and relations more clearly than men, who fail to live it worthily, but who think that they are wiser by experience, that is, by failure"
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it..."
- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden", excerpts from chapter 2
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
meet mrs. bower
If you've ever met Laura you're probably shocked at least once during your conversation. It could be it be because what she says is either so progressive and edgy that it makes Ellen DeGenerous look like a Limbaugh's BFF, or it could be because what she says is spoken out of a paradigm formed sometime between when the dinosaurs roamed and JFK was shot. The following are just a few of the indelible subjects that are so constant to my mother's nature and character that I'm sure I'll be able to speak on these with humor and truth even in her eulogy. The first are her major medical discoveries and the latter are just a catch-all of her favorite subjects.
1. Her belief that most health concerns in my generation are the result of an overdose of sugar in their diet: (This coincides indirectly with her theory that God gives adolescents acne as a means to impede the hasty introduction and fellowship of two very-physical bodies) She is convinced that any personality issue from disposition to any diagnosed medical disorder are the direct result of the influx of sugary foods in kids' diets today. Sugar-coated gummy worms are the anti-Christ.
2. Vitamin C cures everything. Take at least 4x the recommended dosage or it won't do any good.
3. The physical state of your tongue is a direct reflection of your body's inner health. If there is anything other than a perfectly pink, beautiful tongue shooting out at her when you say "ahhh" then please see #2.
4.Don't eat out of the serving bowl. That's bad manners. Not only is it bad manners, but it's actually poor breeding. And not only is it poor breeding, it's a sign that you have no self control and is probably indicative of some serious character flaw which is the direct result of your lack of discipline. In fact, are you saved?
5. You probably shouldn't have more than one window or application open on your computer. That's just asking to get confused.
6. What is text messaging? And how does the internet have enough room for everything?
7. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
8. Good girls wear hosiery. Even if the last time the general population wore hosiery on a regular basis was in 1965, it's still a good idea for church events and formal occasion. ("I haven't left the house without Lyrca on these thighs since I was 15." "That's 'cause you were brought up right" Steel Magnolias quote)
9. Nothing good happens past midnight. (Annnnndddd she's usually right. Ha)
10. Favorite sayings:
"Aren't you going to fix your face?"
Translation: Put on make up so you don't look like you do currently.
"Zap it."
Translation: Microwave it.
"Xerox it."
Translation: Record it (on television).
"Bless his/her heart"
Translation: He/She is an idiot.
Please feel free to add/edit any of what I've written. I'm sure that if you've met her, you've recognized a few of quirks all on your own....
1. Her belief that most health concerns in my generation are the result of an overdose of sugar in their diet: (This coincides indirectly with her theory that God gives adolescents acne as a means to impede the hasty introduction and fellowship of two very-physical bodies) She is convinced that any personality issue from disposition to any diagnosed medical disorder are the direct result of the influx of sugary foods in kids' diets today. Sugar-coated gummy worms are the anti-Christ.
2. Vitamin C cures everything. Take at least 4x the recommended dosage or it won't do any good.
3. The physical state of your tongue is a direct reflection of your body's inner health. If there is anything other than a perfectly pink, beautiful tongue shooting out at her when you say "ahhh" then please see #2.
4.Don't eat out of the serving bowl. That's bad manners. Not only is it bad manners, but it's actually poor breeding. And not only is it poor breeding, it's a sign that you have no self control and is probably indicative of some serious character flaw which is the direct result of your lack of discipline. In fact, are you saved?
5. You probably shouldn't have more than one window or application open on your computer. That's just asking to get confused.
6. What is text messaging? And how does the internet have enough room for everything?
7. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
8. Good girls wear hosiery. Even if the last time the general population wore hosiery on a regular basis was in 1965, it's still a good idea for church events and formal occasion. ("I haven't left the house without Lyrca on these thighs since I was 15." "That's 'cause you were brought up right" Steel Magnolias quote)
9. Nothing good happens past midnight. (Annnnndddd she's usually right. Ha)
10. Favorite sayings:
"Aren't you going to fix your face?"
Translation: Put on make up so you don't look like you do currently.
"Zap it."
Translation: Microwave it.
"Xerox it."
Translation: Record it (on television).
"Bless his/her heart"
Translation: He/She is an idiot.
Please feel free to add/edit any of what I've written. I'm sure that if you've met her, you've recognized a few of quirks all on your own....
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