a friend loves at all times

we are weirdos

So, I called kayla, the other bff, because I needed a listening ear and a good word of wisdom.

Not only did she let me just rant and rave without fear of judgment, but she responded with,

"Can I read you the prayer I prayed for you this morning?"

i

am

so

humbled

by

her

love.

What a friend that I can just call, on some random day of the week, and who will be ready and waiting with a prayer she prayed in in the quiet places with her Almighty, without my knowing.

Thank you, Jesus for friends like Kayla. Thank you for the woman that she is who sows in the secret and who will reap joy and life.

anNIE cake

I have been missing Friend terribly lately. I just need her. I need her advice. I need her ridiculous humor. I need her to tell it to me straight. Ugh. SO. I did the thing that makes me feel closest to her in the world: I baked.

And as i baked, i documented, that she may be a part of the process both in my heart and (now) in my blog. :)

hello baker's squares. how i love thee.

the cake itself was ridiculous. i mean. ri.dic.culous. so rich. and yet there is still the chocolate mousse and the dark chocolate cream ganache to go. yikes.

So here comes the hard part: The mousse.

85% chaoco chips. melted into the marscapone. check.

HERE IS MY PROBLEM: The recipe for the ganache called for "heavy cream." Ok, check. But the recipe for the mousse called for "whipping cream." SO WHAT THE H IS THE DIFFERENCE?? Annniiieee this is where i needed to mindlessly deliberate over weird/unimportant decisions: Is Cool Whip the mystery "whipping cream" only so named because of fear of copyright laws?? Or is there a lurking whipping cream some where out there that will provide the perfect mousse texture??

BAH

I went with the Cool Whip.

DELISH. I could eat that mousse plain.

Any "normal" cake would stop there... But oh no. Not a cake for annie. Here comes the cream ganache icing.

I have to say, it was well worth it.

well.

worth.

it.

why He whispers

It's probably been a year since I first started striving.

Ha.

No really. All this time I've been striving to hear His voice about what my next steps are, striving to find my purpose, striving to make a living doing something that doesn't make my soul shrivel up like a dried up raisin (thank you, Jordan).

I can't say I've been especially patient.

Er.

I can't say I have been patient.

But I was in the kitchen the other day, and felt I heard the Lord's voice gently reminding me where I was headed.

"There you are, Lord, where have you been?" I asked, instantly tearful. My heart has been so heavy with striving after His voice and His will. But it was as if I suddenly realized He had been speaking in a quiet whisper to me all along. "But why did you have to whisper?" I begged, hurt and impatient.

"Because I knew you would never listen to a Father who yells," was His only reply

lyrics

hope which was lost

now

stands

renewed

(ps...uh...does the face in the background of the "praying the names of jesus" book (see below) look vaguely familiar to anyone else? Uh, SAYID!?? Seriously. I spy him)

For Katie Apple

So I've been reading this amazing devotional by Ann Spangler. It basically walks you through the names of Jesus and how those aspects of his character apply and fulfill your life. I feel like God spoke to me straight up through the first entry: Immanuel.

I think my biggest struggle since YWAM was this nagging fear/doubt I had about all that happened in Jakarta. All the struggle and the sickness seemed to be because He had left me. It sounds totally ridiculous to write that -- I KNOW that he didn't leave me. But, I struggled every day to really know and feel his presence, when it felt and looked like He had just left us there. There were no breakthroughs. There was no relenting of struggle. And it ended in me being in the hospital in Indonesia and promptly returning home -- not even allowed to debrief and enjoy my friends in Hawaii. For all my striving to pray and believe that He was faithful to complete the work, I doubted every single day that he was there and had heard a single prayer I prayed.

So, in places of deep intimacy with Him lately, I have found this coming up in my thoughts and prayers: "Lord, why did you leave me there?"

It's like, despite me knowing for a fact the contrary, I can't stop myself thinking it: He left me. He left me when I needed Him the most. All I had to cling to was His word, my constant prayers for help and nearness, and the sweet melodies of worship that were close to my heart.

As I opened up this devotional, the words rushed over me about His being Immanuel: God with us. The scriptures of promise where He said he would never leave nor forsake me, and that He is with me wherever I go were like water washing over my heart and doubt. I KNOW that I read - I clung to -- those scriptures when I was in Indonesia, but for some reason, the doubt in my heart was distorting how I heard them. Instead of "I will never leave you nor forsake you," I heard "I will never leave you nor forsake you -- except for now, because you can't hear my voice or see my hand."

And now, suddenly, I could see the truth in those words again.

He has never left me.

In the last entry for Immanuel, it quotes that verse we talked so much about, Katie:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross the rivers, they will not over take you" (Isaiah 43:2-3).

Why is it such a struggle to hear his voice and see his face in the freakin' midst of the waters? I don't know. The bible has so many instances of his ever-present faithfulness in the middle of battles and struggles - but it seemed that those were reserved and confined to the fragile pages of my Bible itself. They weren't for me. Was it so wrong for me to want Him to show up in bright lights and shakina glory and cause our slum to fall to its knees in repentance?? Was it so selfish for you to wish He would take away the pain and fear in all those surgeries, Katie?

I don't know.

But I know that His word says that He is an ever-present help in time of need; a refuge; a hiding place; a God Who Is With Us. And I am choosing to let those words and promises wash away my fears and doubts and hurt, so that I can see what is hidden more clearly the next time around.

annie

Well, Annie's birthday was last Friday, so here goes an "Everything Annie" post.

In my ripe old age, I have found that true friends (like, down to the core of who you are) are really so rare. And I have the most wonderful privilege to call Anne my Friend. (Capital "f," because that's the only way to address her without having to say weird things like "ultimate friend" or "only best friend.")

ANYWAYS.

Anne and I's friendship began in the weirdest way. It started with both our good friends being out of the picture, us deciding on a whim to room together, a handful of weirdos who gathered around us, and the ensuing "Anne and Jennie" world that then quickly developed.

I don't believe I have wanted to be apart since.

Generally, Anne is just me - revised. Hah. She has a filter that I envy, a moral fortitude that is unmatched, a kindness unwavering, and a humor that is uncanny. I think one of my favorite things to watch is how she cares for other people. As simple as it sounds, she is so unselfish when it comes to others: the way she listens, the way she serves, the way she goes about her day. I can't think of anything she wouldn't do for her loved ones.

(trip around hawaii)

And that's what makes her time at YWAM so amazing. Right now, Anne is living 700 miles away from all her closest friends and family, and has committed to doing so for over a year in order to give her life to advance His Kingdom. Her choice may be a biiiiiiiiit padded by the beauty of Hawaii (beach), but I know she feels deeply her sacrifice even in her bravery.

Even if I'm not right there beside her through all this, I can be sure of a few things: one, that she is handling change and uncomfortableness with a grace that is pure and gentle; two, that she is loving those strangers around her with as much strength as she would love friends she's known for all her now-24 years; and three, that she misses me terribly and would do anything to have me there, because, duh, it's just better when we're together.

I was talking to my mom just last night about relationships and difficulties within them, and she was asking me about my friendship with Anne. All I could say was that "we do life the same." And that's one of my very favorite things about her. There is such a peace and rest that comes with being with someone who you don't have to pretend around. I don't have to pretend to be good, or be whatever because Anne understands me better than anyone I've ever known. Even if I tried to pretend -- she'd know I was pretending and then call me out on it. And it's not like we've never had conflict (thank you, YWAM). We have. And it only made me appreciate her more. In my tendency to ignore and to withhold, her gift is to seek out reconcilation and peace. Her life is so submitted to His voice and His leading that she could never be comfortable with not being honest if she felt something was out of step with who God is, or who He has called her or I to be.

(thanks for the amazing capture, Zhenya)

And yet, even at my worst -- head over the toilet, vomitting my guts out from a liiiiiiiiiitle too much to drink -- I never felt less loved or less cared for. For that, I am so grateful. How the h she manages to balance integrity and grace like she does I will never friggin know.

And now, a brief listing of my favorite things abour her (or her and I).

1. How we both wear panty hose still to nice events -- because that's how good girls are raised.

2. Her love for sweets. Specifically, cookies.

3. Her ability to draw hilariously true, insightful Paint pictures of awkward/memorable/imaginative situations.

4. How we manage to be doing the same thing/thinking the same thing even when we're miles and miles away. (ie: reading Weight of Glory without telling one another...)

5. The way we laugh when we're jogging.

6. The way she hits me with her racquet in racquetball.

7. Her inappropriateness when no one else is watching.

8. Her love for the ridiculous.

9. How she is always learning and trying new things.

10. Her unfailing honesty and grace.

(TTF for life)

So, HaPPy BiRthDAy AnNie!?!?!?!IEIEIEIEIEIEIIEI

And to end with one of my favorite quotes from Anne...ever:

"I might set you on fire if you wake me up in the morning."

- Anne Elizabeth Hennighausen

j.m.k

With tax day just last week, there is a need to celebrate...Jordan's birthday. I love how a few of my friends (aka: you, anne) have chosen to really honor someone on a day that is special....birthday...anniversary...etc...by blogging about them. SO.

Today is for Jordan.

Jordan is, as I have always said, one of the kindest people I know. Generally, his first inclination is to think, want, work for, look for the best of someone else. Sure, he hates on the generally-unstable charismatic crowd, and those are are intentionally, insatiably mean (st. louis drivers), but I think at the bottom of who Jordan is, he is waiting to think the best of them. I don't know why his kindness has always struck me, but it's like that song, something about the power of beauty in a wicked world. And that's what Jordan's kindness is -- it's like this beautiful, peaceful thing in the midst of a wicked and perverse generation (Thank you, Moses). And when all my kindness and gentleness has begun to wear away, his seems an unending fount.

Then there's his general ridiculousness. Ha. One of my favorite things about him at YWAM was that he and Anne and I had this perfect understanding about little hilarities that flew over most people's heads (i.e.: 4-hour Loren sessions or 8 years of protocol). While Anne and I would be trying desperately to hold in our laughter at our own depravity in comparison to sweet confessions of innocent little Korean girls who were broken of their having stolen Hello Kitty pencils when they were 4, Jordan's playful eyes would say a million different things, and then I was laughing in the middle of a very poignant moment.

I think his humor is delightful. It's like a general agreement that important things should never be taken too seriously, and ridiculous things (like giraffes) should be taken very seriously. He has flip-flopped a world of ghastly mistaken priorities, and so, with him, my world seems balanced.

As I've gotten to know jordan -- past all the pretend things that we love to pretend -- I have found that his pretend isn't really pretending at all. Sure, he pretends he's not afraid of Stan (my Dad), but he doesn't pretend to care or to confess or to really give. All those things to him are true and real.

And one of my very favorite things about him is that he isn't afraid. He isn't afraid of praying against huge territorial entities in the spiritual world (ahem); he isn't afraid of showing me who he is; he isn't afraid of leaving all his comforts (again and again) for a passion in his heart for the passions of His heart. He has intentionally put himself at unease to fulfill the will of God. He's shared his doubts and his frustrations, but I feel he has settled a long time ago that he would be at peace with who God is and where God called him.

sweet.

"In fact, everyone who has left his homes, brothers, sisters, father, mother, children, or fields because of my name will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."
Matthew 19:29

happy birthday, jordan. you are an old man.

Signed,
young, spring chicken