"confessions" of his ; exhortation of mine

...If souls please you, let them be loved in God; for in themselves they are mutable, but in him firmly established -- without him they would simply cease to exist. In him, then, let them be loved; and bring along to him with yourself as many souls as you can, and say to them: "Let us love him, for he himself created all these," and he is not far away from them. For he did not create them, and then go away.

They are of him and in him.

Behold, there he is, wherever truth is known. He is within the inmost heart, yet the heart has wandered away from him. Return to your heart, O you transgressors, and

hold fast to him who made you.

Stand with him and you shall stand fast.
Rest in him and you shall be at rest.

Where do you go along these rugged paths? Where are you going? The good that you love is from him, and insofar as it is also for him, it is both good and pleasant. But it will rightly be turned to bitterness if whatever comes from him is not rightly loved and if he is deserted for the love of the creature. Why then will you wander farther and farther in these difficult and toilsome ways?

There is no rest where you seek it.
Seek what you seek; but remember that it is not where you seek it.

You seek for a blessed life in the land of death.
It is not there. For how can there be a blessed life where life itself is not?"

But our very Life came down to earth and bore our death, and slew it with the very abundance of his own life. And, thundering, he called us to return to him into that secret place from which he came forth to us...

For he did not delay, but ran through the world, crying out by words, deeds, death, life, descent, ascension -- crying aloud to us to return to him. And he departed from our sight that we might return to our hearts and find him there.

For he left us, and behold, he is here.

He could not be with us long, yet he did not leave us. He went back to the place that he had never left, for "the world was made by him."[104] In this world he was, and into this world he came, to save sinners. To him my soul confesses, and he heals it, because it had sinned against him.

O sons of men, how long will you be so slow of heart?

Even now after Life itself has come down to you, will you not ascend and live? But where will you climb if you are already on a pinnacle and have set your mouth against the heavens? ... Tell this to the souls you love that they may weep in the valley of tears, and so bring them along with you to God, because it is by his spirit that you speak thus to them, if, as you speak, you burn with the fire of love.

- St. Augustine, "Confessions"
book iv, chapter 12

Dear God,

I'm kinda annoyed at you right now. Please know that I am extremely grateful for how you care for me and watch over me. But I just don't the heck know where my life is going or how I could even begin to do your will if I don't get to hear from you.


Signed,
Daughter

into the wild

As I spent some time with God today, I was overwhelmed by my gratitude and overall happiness -- only to be shocked to find myself suddenly worried and anxious that I was going to miss something by my simple contentedness. I still want to go. I still want to travel. I remember the night before I left for YWAM, as I was packing, I thought to myself (in the midst of butterflies that were turning into a painful ache) 'Why do I always want to leave what's comfortable and safe?' There I was, in the peacefulness of my home, about to leave and start something completely unknown. And why? I guess it's childish to want to leave and explore and venture. And my thoughts brought me to Thoreau's famous quote about "sucking the marrow" out of life. I read the beginning of Walden, and found so much of what my heart speaks and didn't even know. Save and except the fact that Thoreau was probably an evolutionist atheist, I believe his searching is fairly true to life. As I read, I think it's become more clear why I have the desire to leave -- my experience at YWAM was hard and uncomfortable, and most importantly, simplistic. And I think that's why I felt so alive, and why it was my own Walden, respectively.

"When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality...children, who play life, discern its true law and relations more clearly than men, who fail to live it worthily, but who think that they are wiser by experience, that is, by failure"


"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it..."

- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden", excerpts from chapter 2

meet mrs. bower

If you've ever met Laura you're probably shocked at least once during your conversation. It could be it be because what she says is either so progressive and edgy that it makes Ellen DeGenerous look like a Limbaugh's BFF, or it could be because what she says is spoken out of a paradigm formed sometime between when the dinosaurs roamed and JFK was shot. The following are just a few of the indelible subjects that are so constant to my mother's nature and character that I'm sure I'll be able to speak on these with humor and truth even in her eulogy. The first are her major medical discoveries and the latter are just a catch-all of her favorite subjects.

1. Her belief that most health concerns in my generation are the result of an overdose of sugar in their diet: (This coincides indirectly with her theory that God gives adolescents acne as a means to impede the hasty introduction and fellowship of two very-physical bodies) She is convinced that any personality issue from disposition to any diagnosed medical disorder are the direct result of the influx of sugary foods in kids' diets today. Sugar-coated gummy worms are the anti-Christ.

2. Vitamin C cures everything. Take at least 4x the recommended dosage or it won't do any good.

3. The physical state of your tongue is a direct reflection of your body's inner health. If there is anything other than a perfectly pink, beautiful tongue shooting out at her when you say "ahhh" then please see #2.


4.Don't eat out of the serving bowl. That's bad manners. Not only is it bad manners, but it's actually poor breeding. And not only is it poor breeding, it's a sign that you have no self control and is probably indicative of some serious character flaw which is the direct result of your lack of discipline. In fact, are you saved?

5. You probably shouldn't have more than one window or application open on your computer. That's just asking to get confused.

6. What is text messaging? And how does the internet have enough room for everything?

7. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

8. Good girls wear hosiery. Even if the last time the general population wore hosiery on a regular basis was in 1965, it's still a good idea for church events and formal occasion. ("I haven't left the house without Lyrca on these thighs since I was 15." "That's 'cause you were brought up right" Steel Magnolias quote)

9. Nothing good happens past midnight. (Annnnndddd she's usually right. Ha)

10. Favorite sayings:

"Aren't you going to fix your face?"
Translation: Put on make up so you don't look like you do currently.

"Zap it."
Translation: Microwave it.

"Xerox it."
Translation: Record it (on television).

"Bless his/her heart"
Translation: He/She is an idiot.


Please feel free to add/edit any of what I've written. I'm sure that if you've met her, you've recognized a few of quirks all on your own....

musings

I've spent a lot of time just being quiet in the Lord's presence lately. At first I would just listen to music or play my guitar after reading a few verses. Then I just started to sit with Him while listening to music. And now, I've found myself sitting, staring dead-still out of my window, asking Him to just be with me. Fighting the temptation to label myself a loon, I've decided that my soul needs just that: perfect quiet.

Oswald Chambers said something in today's entry about prayer not being about getting answers, but about perfect communion with the Living God. And however imperfect sometimes I feel our communion is, I believe he's right. I've been striving and striving and begging and pleading for God to make clear some sort of direction for my life, and have little to no writing in the sky to lead me onward. Frustrated like mad, I have to remind myself that He is more about the process of finding our calling than anything.

And so, as I am so apt at doing, I took perfect, holy knowledge and buried it away. Now far from the light of my conscious, I lay in bed going over and over again different job opportunities and locations that have been popping up recently. As I was weighing each and every possibility with utmost delicacy in taciturn debate, I think I finally realized how much my decision-making is through fear.

Fear.

Fear! How the heck can I claim that I trust Him, if in all actuality, I DON'T. How can begin to seek Him and His will for my life's purpose if I can't let go of the control I have over my circumstances, my finances, my fears. How petty of me to have considered the possibilities of my future by nickels and dimes in comparison to the vastness of the riches of my Holy Father! If in considering the lilies of the field, I find myself still riddled with fear of 'not making it', I must be missing something.

How have I let myself into this trap? I know that I know that I know that He is faithful. His faithful kindness has humbled me on more than one occasion, and still there I lie fretting and fearful over which job would bring me a suitable amount of happiness weighed against a suitable living wage. Ha.

Surely He remembers I am dust. Surely He knows.

And I'm convinced (again) that He does. I wrote these lines in my journal earlier:

"I will rest in the quiet of your nearness;
I am lost in the vastness of your name.
The silence still sings of your praise;
May my heart lay near thine always."

So, I'm back to being quiet before Him. Perfect love casts out all fear. His love casts out my fears.

Glory.

just a run-of-the-mill life's purpose

Stan has a job for me today: to write out my 'life's purpose.' Yikes.
This is what I know:

My heart is to love you, Lord, and to be loved by you.
My desire is to honor you.
My passion is to show others more of who you are and to usher them into your presence.
I love music.
My urgency is to care for the least of these.

These hands are yours, teach them to serve as you please.
As I reach out, desperate to see all the greatness of God, may my soul rest assured in You.
-Hillsong United

jhm...

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow.

Seems too soon to have been a year ago. His life seems still more real than his death. What sense does it make to to feel like everything and nothing has changed? Weird.
Jordan said there was a deep sadness in my eyes over the last few days, and maybe so only because when my mind is at peace, it rests on him. Nothing about this is fair or simple, and I still like to believe that he chose to go. He wanted to go on ahead.

But I still wish he could see us now.

Father, I still trust you.