considering the lilies

Ho Ho Ho-loha

2011-12-06T20:13:00.006-06:00

Since we are moving in (less than) two weeks (to an undetermined location - Mom's: Don't freak out!), and because we had very little room in the suitcases we brought over from the mainland for the year, the Christmas decor at the Kologe house is...

...in progress.

Meanwhile, enjoy a limerick on the Kologe Christmas Decor.

Dear friends, like Eunice chops off the top,
Like Mr. Willowby's Christmas Tree she lopped it right off!
So we now we have a homemade wreath with real, green prawns!
From friends who can spare, we now have decor that won't make you yawn. (?)
It hangs from the door with such tender care,

Who knew a hanger and some string keeps it there!?

The tree inside needs some special attention,
And a very Charlie Brown Tree gets honorable mention.

Don't forget Santa (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
He holds up our stockings without a grudge.

He won't be here long, in a blink he'll gone!
But for now, and before he takes flight,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

I haven't...

2011-12-02T00:32:00.002-06:00

...given up on this blog entirely. I love it so.
But I think I will be updating OUR blog a bit more.

Check it here.

no words

2011-07-04T01:16:00.014-05:00

So much has been happening this last six weeks (moving, packing, driving to STL, Wedding Week, getting married, honeymoonin', moving to Hawaii, starting work in Hawaii...) that I have severely neglected a few things, namely, thanks.

I wanted to take this blog post
to shout out my loving, humbled, gracious thanks to the dear, dear Hennighausens.

What would I have done? Seriously. WHAT would I have done without dear Fred and Mary (Frary, if you will) in my life this past year and a half? We kept saying as the days drew near for my departure that it felt like our time went by so quickly. I'm hoping that their expressions weren't just casual pleasantries, because I felt the SAME way.

It feels like yesterday when Mary was busy whipping me up some Jell-O on my second day there because of an impending - yet ultimately not occurring - root canal. And it feels like merely last week that they were schooling me in how to properly enter the Hennighausen home (no knocking allowed).

AH.

SIGH.

I am making myself sad with this thankful post.

Ok, onto lighter times. Some of my ABSOLUTE.HANDS.DOWN. favorite moments with these two include (but are not limited to) the following:

1. Becoming Beli-bers (in 3D), with Fred and Mary (and her seated-dance moves).
2. Enjoying my VERY FIRST Christmas Eve breakfast and white elephant gift exchange. Thank you, Pea, for the more-than-life-sized picture of some a '78 Mavs player. Thank you, Hennighausens for letting me in on the tradition.
3. EATING Mary's delicious food/ cakes for birthdays, holidays....fridays, justbecausedays.
4. Fooling Fred and Mary when Anne came home a few days early from Track. Buahahah. The 1.2 seconds of confusion when she walked in the door was priceless. ("What!? Jennie! Did you know!? You KNEW! You're so bad!")
5. Enjoying (though not eating...) a chocolate covered Spam moose head (thank you, Kroger), because I won a bet with Fred.
6. Becoming privy to many secrets of 6918 which I will always hold close to my chest. *** Unless the public announcement of which is too hilarious to avoid***
7. "Hello there, girl!" A daily Fred greeting. And "Jennnnieeeeeee," (spoken like "Gilly") whenever I may have become mischievous with above aforementioned 6918 family secrets.
8. When Fred was silly enough to leave Mary and I during finals. There may have been an incident involving a more-than-the-usual apportioned lot of chocolate. Eek.
9. Finding Santa at my wedding. They said it might happen so I couldn't possibly hold it against them, now can I?
10. The many times Fred had to sit patiently with me and explain EVERY.TIME how to work a Fredsheet. (A monthly budget sheet made by FLH). Specifically though, the very first time. I arranged my budget sheet and had to sheepishly worked in a bit of savings into my monthly income to work with for the month's expenses. FLH merely laughed and said, "Jennieeeeee. That's not right." He was so kind never to sit me in the corner with a dunce cap, and was always able to gently explain the process of "not spending more than you make." I think it FINALLY took hold...nearly 9 months later when I began to tackle my SNOWBALL OF DEBT! WOOT!

I really have to recount the reasons/ways I am thankful and CHANGED because of their gentle kindnesses.

1. I believe they taught me about listening. (Yes, still a work in progress...)
But FRED is possibly THE best listener EVER. I'm serious. If you're having a bad day, and just need a good ear, he's there to ask about it. He's there to inquire about it. He is legitimately interested in the way you cook your coffee brownies and in how your family does birthdays and how you make your bed. He is genuinely, amazingly, humble in a way that you literally FEEL cared for by the way he listens. I strive to learn this trait. It seriously is something that I've taken note of and said to myself, "Now that is something that is of solid, goldy character. I must have it." The hard part is, as it were, to actually become a good listener. It is hard. It takes selflessnesss. It takes patience. It takes....listening. Lord, let me carry that with me.

2. They taught me about laughing.
I LOVED the way we laughed and related over many, many delicious dinners together. Whether we were laughing brainlessly over Kristin Wiig's latest skit on SNL, or at the latest blooper one of us experienced that day, we LAUGHED a lot. It seriously brought me so much joy, lifted so much of "life" off of me to come home to a wonderful home cooked meal and a lovely laugh that made my sides hurt. I think there's something amazingly special about laughing with people. It draws you together. It brings you in tighter. It muffles the noise of life outside. I think Jesus must have shared amazing laughs with his peeps - it feels that holy.

3. They taught me about selflessness.
Mary and Fred were parents to the nth degree. They were people who did life in a way that allowed their children to flourish and succeed and fail and triumph with grace and gentleness. Once, Fred told Jordan that their best advice for parenting was that if what it took to raise a child was the size of a table, and the parents' part was the size of a thumbprint on that table, that they did their very best to "take that thumbprint very seriously."
And it shows. It shows in the way they've lived selflessly. Mary reads to her aging Dad. Fred is always on call for his girls. Mary returns your laundry to you with all the holes patched up and the clothes ironed and folded. How on earth do I gain this kind of attitude?
Not quite sure, but I'm aware the learning curve for sure.

4. They taught me about generosity.
Seriously. So, so very generous. In a place of great need, they literally opened their home to me. I KNOW that this is not easy. I KNOW that it can come as an inconvenience to welcome in someone to your home and say, "What is ours is yours." But they did. And I never once felt not a part of the family. Including the time when Fred and I had to only mildly-successfully hold a garage sale. My shift was the first. Never once did they ask for anything in return for their generous gift of a spacious place for me to hang my hat, and always was there a little prizey for me during Easter, Christmas, birthdays...
Eek. I'm tearing up.... onto the next....

5. They taught me about.... what to call it? I'm not sure there's really words for it. I mean, so great is what they gave me. They held me in, held me close. They gave me laughter - or well, we SHARED laughter. We shared meals. We shared set backs. We shared an ongoing joke about a transient Christmas decoration. And I guess, if I could put words to it, it seems they taught me about godly LOVE.

Yes, that's it.

I am so grateful for where I came from, and how I came a Christian home. But, still growing up, I find there are SO many people that continue to pour into your life even after the "growing up years." And I am thankful for the life that Fred and Mary poured into me. I am thankful how they called out godly integrity in Jordan and I as we dated and were engaged in my time at 6918 ("No being home alone with boys of a boyfriend persuasion.")

I think that they are missionaries in their own right. They have served faithfully at their home church; they've invested deeply into the lives of their children; they've given unselfishly and ceaselessly to those who needed it.
They have LIVED out the Gospel by being HIS hands and feet.
(And I don't even feel dorky using that reference because of how true it is!)

May it be multiplied back to them in life, love, and laughter.

for my dear aeh

2011-05-02T15:03:00.004-05:00

I love birthday posts. They give me the extraordinary opportunity to GUSH unabashedly about friends and family who give my life so much meaning. And this one is for Annie.

Oh, Anne.

I know for certain our friendship was 'ordained' or something, since the first thoughts I had about you were for sure divinely appointed.

flashback: She and I were in the same sorority, but she had studied abroad the first semester and so we didn't really know each other that well. She was back in the States, and back at school, and I introduced myself to her and tried to be nice (Some times, sorority life tried me so. It was certainly an effort to be outgoing sometimes...sorry President Frita). ANYWAYS, I smiled at her and the thought ran across my mind: You should be kind to her. Strange, I know, especially because I'm always nice. (Jk) But I do remember thinking she had a friendly smile. Little did I know she was one of the KINDEST, most gracious, generous, HILARIOUS and wonderful people in the universe, and I would be lucky enough to call her best Friend in the near future. And so we began a journey into a friendship that is certainly God ordained. Why do I say "God ordained" like we ended up sharing kidneys or something? Well, only because I feel like God has used her in my life to

challenge,
strengthen,
encourage,
sharpen,
refine,
teach,
and of course,
make me laugh until my sides bust.

From living hilarious, awkward and Arrow-worthy adventures of college, to exploring post-college life through YWAM, to parting ways as "adult life" took us different directions, to me refusing to part ways and moving into her parent's back house,

I can only say that I am so grateful to be a part of her life.

And so, to celebrate, I've put together a brief list of the things I've learned because of AEH:

1. How to not say the first thing that comes to my mind (Priceless)
2. How to say the things that come to my mind in a more loving way (Priceless)
3. How important it is to check on baked goods 60 seconds after they are placed in the oven (No charge?)
4. How to create lovely things out of scraps of paper from Michael's (Approx. $5.99)
5. How to make someone feel so LOVED and CELEBRATED during Birthday Week (One Million Dollars)
6. How to peruse the world wide web and find things like wedding contest entries and great wedding hair (Priceless)
7. How to lay down your life for a friend and for the least of these (Eternal pricelessness)
8. How to confront lovingly (Owie. No charge)
9. How to pack all sorts of important and necessary things into a bag over and over again (No monetary value)
10. How to manage to listen to things going on in another's life when your life is equally as nuts (seriously priceless)

It does seem as if I could never repay her (or God) for her in my life. What to do, what to do... I guess that means I just enjoy it? Just enjoy the crazy joy to know someone who you can be SO FULLY yourself. I can be totally terrible, selfish, uncouth and sarcastic and she will only laugh at me like that's not REALLY who I am. I can be totally unselfish, giving, kind, considerate, gracious, and holy, and she will be there to encourage the crud out of those behaviors. She's like the best behavioral therapist and friend all rolled into one!

And that's why I feel like our relationship is God-ordained. It's with her like it is with Jordan, so freeing and yet still so binding to our Jesus' side.

One day, Annie, I aspire to be just like you. I can't wait to see where your adventures bring you next. And I can't wait for you to move into the Duplex and for the next part of our adventure together to begin.

LIKE TEN T-REXES, FRIEND!

love,

me

jmk

2011-04-15T22:11:00.006-05:00

happy birthday, love.
this is your birthday post.
these are the reasons (among MILLIONS)
that I am so glad to be marrying you.

YOUR SENSE OF ADVENTURE
hello.
we met in hawaii.
where you had become the staff leader for
youth with a mission
after traveling and serving with them
in Perth and India
as a result of
your traveling with IV to
Thailand.
hello.
let's go.

YOUR SENSE OF PURPOSE
yes.
you were perfectly comfortable selling
practically your life's worth of possessions
to move toward simplicity
and
you've served with IV
and invested in so many
college students' lives
that i know
your mansion in heaven
will be filled
with beautiful markers
of the souls
you encouraged to find their way there

YOUR COMMITMENT TO HILARITY
it is. unmatched.
you make me laugh
you laugh at me
you laugh by yourself
you laugh when you're not supposed to
(that's my favorite)
your humor
is
my
favorite

YOUR UNWAVERING KINDNESS
is why
we
are
still
together
i still have never met
someone as kind as you

YOUR INTEGRITY
what great
strength
it
takes
to submit oneself
in humility
toward
a best * crew
of men
striving for
righteousness
together.
i
respect
you
(chicken head)
and
can't wait
to
walk
with
you


YOUR AFFECTION 

This present glory, love, once-given grace,
The sum of blessing in a sure embrace,
Must not in creeping separateness decline
But be the centre of our whole design.
We know it’s love that keeps a love secure,
And only by love of love can love endure,
For self’s a killer, reckless of the cost,
And loves of lilactime unloved are lost.
We build our altar, then, to love and keep
The holy flame alight and never sleep:
This darling love shall deepen year by year,
And dearer shall we grow who are so dear.
The magic word is sharing: every stream
Of beauty, every faith and grief and dream;
Go hand in hand in gay companionship -
In sober death no sundering of the grip.
And into love all other loveliness
That we can tease from time we shall impress
Slows dawns and lilacs, traceries of the tress,
The spring and poems, stars and ancient seas.
This splendour is upon us, high and pure
As heaven: and we swear it shall endure:
Swear fortitude for pain and faith for tears
To hold our shining barrier down the years.
***
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.
Proverbs 16:32

***

He has shown you, O man, what is good. 
   And what does the LORD require of you? 
To act justly and to love mercy 
   and to walk humbly with your God. 
Micah 6:8

***

all my love,

jcb(k)

My Desk Lately

2011-03-25T17:02:00.004-05:00

Something has happened.

Either I am:
(a) the beneficiary of an amazing burst of friendship-love from two dear friends across the sea as a result of a strange twist of luck from the universe and/or lottery
(b) I am finally being rewarded for being mildly to mostly average
(c) need endless amounts of encouragement as I am virtually a vat of need (this answer is right no matter what)
or
(d) God laid it on the hearts of these two ladies to speak truth, love, loveliness, and wonderful selflessness to me.

I chose all the above.

Thank you God for friends.

For Mo & Clay

2011-02-27T13:27:00.003-06:00

Sweet Jesus,
I want to lift up to you the Wooten family.
I cannot.imagine.how scary things must be for them.
But, I do know that Monique and Clay both have unwaveringly,
unfaltering, pursued you and your purposes for their lives.
Father, their lives have encouraged my walk with You.
And I know even now in the midst of incredible doubt and fear,
that their prayer is still for you to be glorified.
So, I am asking that You would be glorified in their lives in this season.
Father, bring healing to Clay.
Bring restoration.
Bring joy and hope when it's just scary.
Lord, let Hazel be a symbol of promise of LIFE in their world.
I know that you hold all things together, that by you all things have their substance.
I know that you hold them and sustain us.
So let this prayer be like incense before you, and may it rise to bring glory to YOUR name,
And healing for Clay.
Amen.

May my prayer like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands as sacrifice
Oh Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in Your sight

Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let Love keep my will upon its knees

[Chorus]
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You

[Verse 2]
To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your Word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

All Your ways are loving and are faithful
The road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride

[Chorus]

[Selah]
To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your Word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

Bleach and the Day of Love

2011-02-22T09:36:00.004-06:00

Valentine's Day.

Jordan came to pick me up after a few hours of being on my hands and knees cleaning toilets, baseboards, and sinks for the little house cleaning business I have. On my walk home, Jordan intercepts me with my car.

I open the door to him holding (in his bare hands) two chocolate-dipped strawberries in one hand, and a single flower in the seat.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" he exclaims. He's delighted.
I laugh and get in the car. The smell of bleach and PineSol and lots of other weird things fill the car immediately (I'm feeling very grubby....)

"I cleaned your car, and...." he points directly to the gas tank indicator on my dash (because he knows I'm not observant enough to take notice of the now-full tank).

Sigh.

He cleaned my car. Filled my gas tank. Brought me a flower and some chocolate-dipped strawberries.

Does the boy know me or WHAT? Ha. I mean, what else could a girl POSSIBLY want?

dear annie across the sea

2011-01-30T21:46:00.002-06:00

dear annie goes away

across the sea, far from me
my heart is happy for her heart
but still i hate the parting part

she goes and goes on the tips of her toes
dashing over oceans and snows
so fast goodyes and hellos

come back, anne h,
we need you - if only to bake!?
and plus also to reason me from stupid mistakes

sigh. ok, all's well with me
i'll just be waiting under the BFF tree

lovely little things

2011-01-22T21:34:00.003-06:00

came in the mail for me the other day.

lovely layne, a friend who became a friend through the weird fact that we are basically the same person except that she eats hamburgers and I don't.
Really. I mean, sometimes it's strange how much we think/act/are alike.

ANYWOO.

in true layne fashion, she sent me a lovely little celebratory package (ALL THE WAY FROM ACROSS AN OCEAN, I"LL ADD) for my recent engagement.

how thoughtful! how kind! how generous!
(see? I told you she was like meeeee)
Jk.

Lovely Layne. I'm glad to share so much with you.
you're cooler than I am, though. i mean, you're currently traveling ALL over the WORLD (literally) using this wonderful expression of art to glorify God and bring justice to the mistreated.
You.Are.Legit.
so.
that's why we're friends.
And i'm only a tid bit sad that you are much cooler than I am.
BUT
i will rejoice in that because YOU would rejoice in that if I were cooler than YOU.

so.

2011-01-07T18:47:00.002-06:00

someday soon i shall marry my love and friend.

eek.

So.

2010-12-09T12:36:00.003-06:00

I'm writing for a blog now called Liquid.

You know you want to read.

what i love about kh

2010-12-07T16:32:00.003-06:00

what can I even say about miss katie h? i love her so dearly. 1. i think she has one of the most keen, witty sense of humor I've ever come across. It's like quick satire meets sassy understatement. 2. i think her heart is full of courage. i think she will go and do things that many people won't. 3. I think she is SO dang cute. i mean, seriously. 4. i think she has a healthy balance of independence with respect for others. basically, she's becoming a proverbs 31 woman even if she doesn't know it. 5. i know that when things are hard, she still pushes forward. i hesitate to use the word tough, but she's tough. yet, oh so tricky to use that word, b/c she's also delightedly feminine and soft. 6. i think there's a peace about her spirit even in the midst of the troubled waters. 7. i think God has purposed in her something sweet and special and will probably be realized in a brilliant creation of the shade of gray (not as in sad, just as in gray, the sweetest color out there right now....). It will have to come out in some delightfully artistic expression, because she practical oozes delightful artistic expression. 8. i respect her love for all things chocolate cookie. 9. i respect her for seeking God even when it doesn't feel like it. 10. "For The Lord's portion is His people, Jacob, His allotted heritage. He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; He encircled him, He cared for him, He kept him as the apple [ee-shone] of His eye." Deuteronomy 32: 9 - 10.

don't let me forget

2010-11-09T17:32:00.004-06:00

...to be thankful for this week.

Gracious. Thank you Jesus for opening doors, for giving favor, for giving exceedingly abundantly beyond.

Thanks to my sweet small group of girls who gave of themselves to help me out with my new job.

So so thankful.

happy birthday, jefe!

2010-10-16T10:19:00.010-05:00

Holy moly. I'm tired. Kasey (the sister-in-law) and I and another of my brother's friend hijacked my John from work yesterday for his 30th birthday. He was subsequently blindfolded and taken skydiving. Then dinner with way too many people and karaoke afterward - John did an entire Snoop song (wound up so out of breath that a lung nearly collapsed, but still...). It was epic. And exhausting.

But it was worth it!

And I of course wanted to take this post to honor him on his 30th bday with a list of my favorite moments of all times with
John Stanley.

10. When I was jogging on the Bear Trail in college (It was the cool thing to do. Be seen. Be in shape.), John and his friend were driving past me. They decided it would be funny to swerve onto the curb to spook me while I was in the zone and not paying attention. They did. And in my ever-present agility and bodily awareness, I managed to trip, face plant and break my walkman. (YEAH, IT WAS A WALKMAN. SO?). John had to drive me home because I managed to hurt my hip in the incident. THANKS A LOT, JOHN.

9. My freshman year at Baylor, all three of us older siblings were at the same school. It was epic (not for my parents....), in that literally, everything I said or did wound up coming back to them. I hated/loved that. Being a naive little freshman, I went out to a frat party with some nice guy that I met in the Baylor Symphony. (He was a first-chair bassist - how dangerous could he be??). I was being cool, hanging and the party, minding my own business, when in stomps Mark (second oldest brother). He walks straight up to me (in mid-awesome dance move) and says,
"Jennie. This is the worst place you could be." I was so confused. I brushed him off saying, "What are you talking about? This is Kevin, he's nice!" Mark stomped out of the room. Two minutes later, he walks in, cell phone in hand. He shoved it in my face.

"Hello?" I answered.
"Jennie!" John's voice barked, "That is the absolute worse place you could be right now. You need to leave immediately."

I literally was so confused. How did they even know where I was? I mean, it's a fairly large campus, and I didn't regularly check in with them on my Friday night plans. Whatever. I stomped out of the party, humiliated, with Mark trailing behind me, making sure I went safely home to my freshman dorm. Apparently, that fraternity was infamous for slipping things in girls' drinks. Who knew? Later, when I was a little more aware of the social dynamics at Baylor, I realized, that was the worst possible place I could be. Ha. I most certainly DID NOT thank them then, but came to gratitude later.

8. This moment. I don't even remember it, but I love it.

For some reason, it reminds me of a time in college when I had a pretty dramatic anxiety attack - I called John (of course) and he came over while I cried and cried. He ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room and praying for me that night. What can I say? He's good at comforting sisters while they sleep.

7. Going to Haiti with John and a group of people he had helped organize back in 2007. I got to see him walking out as a leader who led with humility, hilarity and wisdom. His heart for the nations and for God's purposes in him and others is astounding. I've been on a few mission trips, and I think he was my favorite leader - the jefe! He was of course responsible and wise, but also a doofus and a lot of fun.

6. The morning Josh passed away, John was the first person I called. Sobbing and so scared, I will never forget what he told me. I had been so afraid of the fact that Josh went to hell, and all John said was,

"Jennie. Our only hope is that when we get to heaven, God will look at us and say, 'I'm more gracious and more loving than you could ever imagine.'"

I love that John lives out that truth. That our God is more kind, loving and gracious than we could even hope for. When John talks about his Jesus, he knows Him.

5. The face that John married one of my best friends, Kasey. I think who you choose for a mate says a lot about who you are. She is sweet, gracious and so kind - maybe some of John's more latent traits. HA.  I love that he found for himself a sweet friend and companion and love for him to travel through life together with. They are awesome!

4. When I played in the Baylor symphony, the concert hall was posh and refined. And then there was my ape brothers and their friends acting a fool in the back row. Fist pumping and dancing, they were there to cheer me on at my first college performance. Sweet brothers. John even sent me flowers that day for the event. :)

3. The fact that whenever he says he loves me he always says, "I love you so much it makes me angry." HA. Jefe wouldn't be Jefe without unexplained, unavoidable angst.

2. The day before John left for college, I remember being so so sad. It was this weird moment of realization that our life as a family was about to change (haha...little did I know that we'd all end up at college together later...HA). John, being the sap and sensitive guy (he is hidden by a demeanor of a heart that's 3 sizes too small), played Garth Brooks' "Your Song" for us and as we all sat around and cried. I don't think I've even heard the song since then, but all I remember is that he was telling us that he loved us in his own way.

1. The endless, pointless, redundant jokes that we beat mercilessly to the ground. Jefe's humor is like mine: strange and a little distorted, and maybe slightly inappropriate. He likes awkward humor almost as much as I do. I LOVE it! It keeps me laughing whenever we are together, whether in the slums of Haiti or in the metropolis of Dallas. He is so much fun to be with. I appreciate that humor allows us never to take ourselves too seriously.

I love you, John!
I KNOW that this new year will bring new and amazing things for you and Kasey. As you walk forward, I'm praying that you'll find new life as a leader,  a father, a friend and a son of God. Your gifts are irrevocable (no matter how hard you try) and
the calling God has on your life is as plain as the deviated septum in your nose.
Hopefully, you'll get over your awkwardness
as you leave your 20s.
If not, at least I'll be hear to remind you it's still there.

For you this year:

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:25-26.

congrats, pea!!!

2010-09-28T12:47:00.003-05:00

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK
Lovely Jill is getting marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiied.
EEK. I am so excited for them.
Jill is one of the most gentle, gracious, (sneakily hilarious)people
that I know
and I am SO glad she has found love and life
and will be getting hitched in the near future.

(please ignore weirdness of my face in above picture, pea, it couldn't be helped. I need one of
you and Brison!!)

Can't wait for you to be "Mrs. Pea Williams"

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
I Corinthians 13: 1- 13

things not to communicate over IM

2010-09-07T13:13:00.005-05:00

“I mistakenly told them you had Gonorrhea.”

She said that and then smiled. Her cheeks were like little cumulus clouds of delight as she found such humor in the mishap that managed to land me somewhere in the land of wild, unbridled promiscuity and her in the unaffected audience of the theatre of my demise. I wanted to punch the life out of those clouds. Not really. But, well, really.

It had come to my attention that sometime earlier in the week, after I had left the office building where I was temp-to-hire, my friend alerted the office that I had Gonorrhea in a horribly disastrous attempt to correctly name the tropical disease I contracted when I went overseas. (Noted here that the disease was called “Dengue Fever.” My friend told me later, “I just got stuck on the ‘G’ and then couldn’t get out of it!”)

Nonetheless, after things were cleared up (with a few over the counter meds and a vitamin regimen), I needed to make a point to talk to the HR manager about the full-time position they’d offered earlier in the week.

Enter: The intra-office Instant Message (IM) program used both professionally and unprofessionally by the office staff. Often the program is used in an effort to be polite and allow mildly-pressing business discussions to be submitted via IM and then responded to when convenient.

I then, took the opportunity to IM the human resources manager to ask if there was a time - at her convenience - when we could discuss the impending job offer in order to clarify roles and salary.

Jennie to HR manager: "Hey, when you get a minute, can we talk about the receptionist offer?"

HR manager to Jennie: "Oh yeah. About that. We've decided we don't want to move Elisa from her current position." {inserted FROWN-Y FACE}

Jennie to HR manager: “Oh. Haha.”

End of chat.

My own meagre "haha" was merely a cursory response to answer in like light-hearted terms. I literally had no idea what I was supposed to say to the fact that the job they offered was now un-offered over intra-office IM and with an, albeit empathetic, emoticon.

:( says: Goodbye income, goodbye benefits. Goodbye autonomy and ability to pay off debt. Goodbye Christmas. Goodbye Birthdays. Goodbye job offers and 401Ks. Goodbye stability. Goodbye steady regimes. Goodbye freedom from anti-anxiety medicines.

Hmm. I thought. It’s interesting though that despite the more-than slightly devastating news, the frowny face DID make me feel a bit better. Cheap empathy, maybe. But how would I have felt if she would have delivered that line WITHOUT the frowny face? Terrible! So, I continued with my temp work and reasoned, especially after I heard the Gonorrhea story, that their disinclination to hire me was not entirely unfounded.

During that same temp-to-hire stint, I worked in my brother’s office. We are pretty close, as family goes, and generally have been known to enjoy one another’s company. However, until working with him in the office setting, I had no idea that he maintained such an air of stodgy professionalism at all times. This obviously was hard to swallow since I had in my immediate possession some incriminating pictures of a certain office professional’s buttocks as he streaked through a Phi Chi party my sophomore year of college. At any rate, I played a few mild pranks on him during that time. Nothing detrimental or too distracting, but fun nonetheless.

Since he had a fetish with floss, I decided that should obviously work in my favor in my little pranks. One night I swiped one before I left and let it find a new home in a Jell-O mold that subsequently found its way into the office refrigerator with a large sign with his name on it. After the Jell-O mold-ed floss was planted, I plodded diligently along in my cubicle, waiting for the fun.

{overheard}HR manager: “John, I think someone just pulled a Dwight Schrute on you. I’m thinking maybe Jennie.”

John {walks to Jennie’s cubicle}: “Jennie, what did you do?”

I could see the big vein coming out of his forehead already.

Jennie: “What?”

John: “Did you put something in Jell-o?”

I couldn't smile yet, so I made myself think of something sad, like the fact that most of my college friends still can't differentiate between "your" and "you're" or my dog that died in second grade.

Jennie: “What in Jell-o?”

John: “I don’t know, in the break room?”

Jennie: “Huh?”

John: “Did you put a piece of office equipment in Jell-o?”

Jennie: “No.”

I answered sure and swift. He turned and marched so bow-leggedly to the break room that I was sure he was going to accidentally pivot on an axis.

HR manager: {peaks in Jennie’s cubicle}

Jennie: {smiles}

HR manager: {sits back at her cubicle}

John: {plops down Jell-O mold/mound container, now half-empty} “Where’s the top?" he said in a hoarse whisper, “Jennie, this is too soon. Are you trying to get fired?!”

My favorite vein of his to monitor was pulsating visibly now to the beat of something like "Hammer Time."

Jennie: {looks up meekly} “It wasn’t a piece of office equipment.”

life and times of the job hunt

2010-09-01T16:29:00.004-05:00

Sooo I've become very un-picky about job-hunting lately.

Translation? I was doing my due diligence and putting a face with a name and all that networking nonsense by bringing my resume and a cupcake to a local grocery store's bakery manager (I'm thinking I'm very clever at this point). I had already filled out an application online, this was just the proverbial icing on my bakery job cake. (I am also thinking I'm very clever just now at that bit of writing).

So, I march myself right up to the manager and introduce myself quite awkwardly.

Me: "Hi, I'm Jennie, I understand you know the Hennighausens."

Manger: (Response should go here)

Me: "Er, well, they are loyal patrons of this wonderful Kroger."

Manger: (Response should go here)

Me: (Clears throat...losing confidence) "Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I applied online to the position open in the bakery and wanted to drop off this cupcake while I introduced myself personally so you could put a face with the name."

Suddenly, physics turned its ugly - but hitherto even unnoticed - back against me. All that I know and understand about gravity and/or my own bodily functionality changed.

As I finished the word "name" a bit of spittle flew from my mouth and landed on my cheek/eye area. I say it was a "bit," but let the records show that it was enough for me to need to wipe it away (two strokes), and for her to look down awkwardly at the cupcake, which now had just lost all appeal entirely.

I stood there blankly for an eternal 2.3 seconds before I then spouted out,

"You don't have to eat that."

I'm afraid my ill-timed spasm of the mouth might have shut that door.

Oh well.

ONWARD!

grateful heart

2010-08-24T14:02:00.003-05:00

In spending time with the Lord today, I was OVERWHELMED with how generous He has been through others to me.

I am so thankful for life here at 6918. I am thankful that I have a lovely space to call my own; a place to bake incessantly; a family to sit around the dinner table with; and laughs to be shared constantly.

I am so grateful for the help/advice/instruction from FLH on budgeting/finances. I am thankful to be learning principles of saving and of simplicity because of it.

I am so thankful to those who believe in me and who give generously to allow me to pursue counseling without incurring further debt.

I am so so thankful and humbled by friends who pray regularly, consistently for me in the secret places with our Heavenly Father.

I am thankful that my sweet brother and sister-in-law are generous with me even in their own need (because of which, I now have lovely, freezing, air conditioning in my car!!).

I am grateful for my job that is life-giving and FUN.

I am thankful to Suz and Sean and Corinne and John who gave computers to me!!!

I am thankful to the FLH and MGH who celebrate half-birthdays.

I am so so thankful for my health and the health of my family.

I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father continually reminds me that the lilies toil nor spin, but are arrayed more splendidly than Solomon. I am thankful that He wanted Mary to just sit as His feet.

I know that His gifts are more than physical, but I am SO THANKFUL for the ones that are.

today's page in my journal

2010-08-14T10:01:00.003-05:00

good grief.
before I forget and have to do more dang character development,
I wanted to write a few things down.

This is what I know:

- everyone has a perspective, a background, a history, a frame of reference and it probably involves some amount of hurt or need or suffering that I couldn't understand.

-death to flesh hurts sometimes

- "His ways are higher." His thoughts are not my thoughts.

-His 'goodness' may not look like monetary or physical means. 

- I have a roof over my head

- I can usuallly find something to be grateful for (or repent of)

- sanctification is not really a pretty process (at least for me)

for sister.

2010-08-12T20:37:00.007-05:00

i made these for my sister for her 17th birthday. wow. she is such an adult. UGH.
they're little pins to decorate shirts, jackets, hats, bags. the white one with the band is a headband.
hopefully, she will love them.

because i love her.

happy birthday, sister.

"please see attachment. I am pleased to tell you that you are hired. please report to NC immediately for details. (chocolate provided). love, jordan"

2010-07-31T20:55:00.002-05:00

sometimes when i feel a bit down...

2010-07-14T17:41:00.004-05:00

I close my eyes and ask for His presence.

And usually, it feels like He puts His arm around me,
presses His cheek against mine, and says,
"It's ok, Lovey."

happy birthday FRED

2010-07-01T07:01:00.000-05:00

(a few days late...)

I definitely want to take this post to honor one of my favorite senior citizens...
(And SC status is confirmed directly from Kroger. Kroger never lies.)

My top 5 favorite moments with F.L.H.

5. When I came over a few days before I moved in to the Hennighausen house, I knocked politely at the back door. Fred (and Mary!), however, merely cracked the door wide enough so I could see the huge grins on their faces and said,
"No."
Door shuts.
I laughed, then knocked louder, thinking my polite little knock wasn't sufficient to get their attention.
Door cracks. Smiling faces.
"Noooo."
Door shuts.
A light bulb finally goes off, and this time, without knocking, I walk straight in to find Fred and Mary standing ready with a hug and a
"YEAHHHH!!!"

They were teaching me how to come into the house (no knocking allowed).

I felt so welcomed.

****

4. When I found myself virtually jobless (again), I was standing in the kitchen telling FLH my news, near tears, and feeling very sorry for myself, and he simply responded,

"Wow. What a good heavenly Father who knew in advance this was going to happen and provided you this home as a safe place to land. What an adventure you are on."

I felt so inspired/humbled/grateful.

****

3. One word: "Combo-ing"

I felt so thankful.

****

2. When I came back to my little Rose Cottage to find a tiny little mini-flosser wedged into a tiny little nail hole at eye-level near my door.
(RUDE! And, warning: It will find you.)
It was a tiny little way to give a nod to hilarious inside jokes about people's idiosyncrasies.
I love that FLH can celebrate people with humor and respect.

I felt so light-hearted.

****

1. Not that there can be any one favorite thing about knowing FLH and having his influence in my life, but I am so grateful for how he listens so unselfishly, so intentionally.

Whether it's in a "FredSheet" budget meeting
(shudder),

or talking over things about boys,

or talking about life in the fast lane in the business world,

or talking about my Substitute-of-The-Year award
(self-appointed),

He listens in a way that makes you SWEAR he is interested in every word you say.

I always leave conversations feeling

HEARD,
UNDERSTOOD,
LOVED,
and
INSPIRED.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRED!!!!!

*****

"As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."

march 2011

2010-06-28T17:01:00.005-05:00

...is the next time I will purchase clothes. for one year i am going to (attempt to, at least) refrain from purchasing items to wear. it's been 3 months so far.

why?

many reasons.

One being "and why are you anxious about clothing? consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."

.....

Daddddd(s)

2010-06-25T07:56:00.011-05:00

happy belated father's day!

Sunday was yet another reminder of how lucky I am to be raised under such
godly,
faithful,
consistent
father(s).

I guess I just needed extra amounts of good fathering, because I'm blessed with Dads who pray and raise me still.

(I'm 25 and need all the help I can get.)

STAN:I love that my Dad STILL gets up
EVERY
SINGLE
MORNING
before the crack of dawn is a twinkle in the universe's eyes
to pray for me,
for others,
for my future spouse (uh, since I was first born... no joke).

I love that I still have wonderful memories of playing all sorts of made up games (which, as I look back now, all had some kind of strength/aerobic element for him...haha...multi-tasking?) from:

GusGus (the tickle bug),

to the

"Honey, I've lost my children" game
(he pretends he can't see us, which resulted in three kids jumping around and pulling at him saying,
"BUT DAD!!! WE ARE RIGHT HERE!!??! CAN'T YOU SEE US!?!?!"),

to "Rough 'n Tumble",
the game where we got our aggression out by trying to tackle him repeatedly to the ground (side note: I was raised with two older brothers).

I love that I have lots of memories of him being just around, helping him in the yard, talking about not being able to date til I was 30....And I love that as I've gotten older, I've grown to love and respect him and his choices even more. He is a good man who walks in humility and joy. I have always said, and probably always will, that my Dad is ever FOR me. No matter where I am in life, he has my back. He is on my side.

(And he even sends me vitamins still.)

I love that he gives me weird glasses and pillows embroidered with his Stan-isms (which maybe aren't so eloquent, as it turns out....). I love that he loves to memorize the Word and always asks me, "What's the Book say?" He is SO solid.

I like how he strokes his mustache when he's thinking - though I hate that he's usually chewing a gross cigar. I love that claps loud and big during worship, brings his anointing oil every where he goes, but still claims he's not charismatic.

FRED:Since I've moved in with Fred and Mary, I've gotten to become a part of a family with a completely different dynamic.

Fred is a Dad who gives of himself - who dies to himself - on an
EVERY
DAY
basis.

I've really never seen anything like it.
I myself (though just a recently inaugurated daughter) have been the recipient of many 'Dad' things, from a repaired A/C (amazing) to a half-birthday gift for school (!!!), to a father's ever-godly advice and encouragement.

One of my favorite things about claiming Fred as a father now is that every conversation I leave, no matter what we're talking about, I go away feeling like this girl:

("I like my hair! I like my hair cuts! I. Like.My.Whole.House!" *CLAP*)

Conversations with Fred make me feel like I can do ANYTHING.
Really. I can not only tackle huge, annoying obstacles of being yet-again jobless, but I can tackle them while imagining life as an exciting adventure that the Lord is taking me on.

I also can't say enough about how I respect the insatiability of his sweet tooth, his love for good books, and the perfect handwriting gene that he most obviously passed on to Anne. (Argh!! I shake my fist at the sky in crazed jealousy!) I loved that in college, before I even knew him as well as I did now, Anne and I would always pause as we considered doing something slightly un-Fred (like wondering whether or not we should speed or use a huge knife as scissors) and we would always stop because, well, "Fred just knows." We believed very strongly that Fred had direct downloads from God about our goings on in Waco, TX (180 miles away) and have proof to that point.

His patience and love for his family is this miraculous, unending fount that comes surely only from his time with His Lord, and I am so privileged to be a part of this home!

(And his Breakfast-in-a-Cup is a miracle in itself.)

What can I say? I am a 25-year-old with a penchant for excess-raising?

word to my mother(s)

2010-05-10T12:54:00.007-05:00

In gearing up for Mother's Day, I realized that I had the very distinct privilege of honoring not only my mother, but lots of other moms who have been mommas to me.

Really, I should be one of the more well-rounded individuals I know with all this extra mothering. Either that, or I just needed a lot of extra help.

Momma Meyer

Mrs. Meyer is whose house I partly lived in from 7th grade until the present. Her house is the one where I can walk into without knocking (I love that). I love that she has SUCH patience. She works herself to the bone to serve and bless her family. I love her love for old musicals and for deep friendships. She has taught me much about faithfulness in the little things. I love that she teases me and asks me about boys. She gives GREAT hugs. I love how she thinks of me as one of her own, and I even have a "thinking of you" bird to match the one in her house. I love how she considers people at all times. She is always poised, but can DEFINITELY cut loose (uh...baking soda and water anyone?)

She has given me so much KINDNESS.

Marrrryyyy

Oh, dearest M. Since moving to Dallas, the Lord saw fit to provide a safe place for me to land while going to Seminary and working part time. Mary didn't hesitate one second when offering me a place when finances were getting thin. When I had dinner with Mary and Mr. Fred one night while we were talking things over, she exclaimed, "Where's your bags!?" I loved the open invitation. I LOVE LOVE LOVE when she dances. Since being here, and since knowing her through my college years, I have learned many practical useful things, as well as a few completely non-useful, but wonderful things (as follows):
1. How to draw a map properly (N at the top of the paper).
2. How to clean a sponge when it gets that dingy smell (put in the microwave for 20 seconds with a little bit of bleach on it).
3. How to tell if food is spoiled (she has an incredible sense).
4. How to make someone feel loved when they've tried their best even when it's failed terribly.
5. How to CELEBRATE with someone!
6. How to laugh and enjoy the little, ridiculous things in life (uh, SNL, anyone??).
7. How to confess minor discrepancies in a way to make the other people laugh.

She has given me so much JOY.

Mom

My mom is a weird lady. A lot of people tell me that's where I get it from (and though I pretend to hate it, I secretly love it). She taught me how to laugh at myself when you don't feel like laughing. She taught me how to care for other people fully and without thought to yourself. She taught me how to give. I love her love for great literature and how we both think speed limits are mostly just suggestions. She taught me to cook. She taught me to persevere. She's a weird bird, but I love her to death (even when she puts her undies on wrong). I love that one time when we were talking on the phone, she dropped the phone, put it back to her ear and then started screaming, "Jennie!! Jennie!? OH MY GOSH I'M GOING DEAF I CAN'T HEAR YOU SUDDENLY!", not realizing that she had put the wrong side of the phone to her ear. I love/hate the fact that she speaks in terribly broken Spanish to the people at Chipotle (But ONLY at Chipotle???). I love that reads the Bible through every year. I love how she hears from God.

She has given me LIFE.

Thank you Jesus for these women. I pray that these years of their life would be filled with love, joy, peace, patience and kindness from those they loved SO well.

Thank you for the privilege I've had to be raised under them.

Amen.

my beloved Friend

2010-04-30T19:00:00.014-05:00

In celebration of my dearest, most wonderful,
hilarious, kind, adventurous, precious

F*R*I*E*N*D

on her 25th birthday,
I am writing a "Top 10 Moments with AEH" post.


10. Sitting across from AEH and FH  at Bush's Chicken in Waco after she had moved in to the apt and declaring to FH,
"We're practically the same person."
And then spending the next lovely years figuring out how much of a reality that was.

9. Coming home from Europe at 1 AM jet lagged and exhausted, and STILL finding myself staying up until 4 AM with AEH baking and catching up and pondering why we decided to spend that semester apart.

8. Taking Christian Hermeneutics and Racquetball together senior year at Baylor.
She hit me with her racket at least once a class.
And I'm sorry I ever suggested we take the Hermeneutics class.

("IT'S IMPORTANT TO LOOK HOT! IT'S IMPORTANT TO WEAR BIKINIS!")

7. When we first got "real jobs" after college where our only survival tactic was to e-mail back and forth to discuss how bad of a choice that was.
(And then planning our inevitable delay of adulthood via YWAM...)

See subject line and message: (also note misspelled name from corporate. wonk)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Bower, Jenny
Date: Wed, Sep 26, 2007 at 3:52 PM
Subject: RE: blah blah blahblah wednesdayblah blahblah blah
To: Anne Hennighausen

Hahaha true that.
8 minutes

Jennie Bower

6. YWAM in general.
Beaches. Kona coffee. Confession and repentance. Dried mangos.
bliss.

5. Whatever point it was that we decided to start calling each other "Friend."
(Capital because it is "THE" friend)

4. Our talk of the joint condo when we are married to our respective husbands....and how the condo will promise to unite us...till we are old and gray...but still fun and like to snorkel.

3. The moment captured below.
Proving the fact that whenever we talk/hang out/mention one another,
there is inevitable laughing with hysteria.
Without. Fail.
She is probably the funniest person I know.

2. Rebukes 
(both ways) (but mostly my way)
How we discussed that some girl forebodingly told us we would not leave YWAM as friends, because of hard it is spiritually and emotionally.

AND HOW WE SHOWED HER WHO IS BOSS,
because we came away from those months with a deeper, truer, richer relationship with the Lord and with each other based on total honesty, vulnerability and brokenness.

1. How she told me she was going back to YWAM,
leaving the comfort of her home, friends and growing family,
because of the boldness and strength of her relationship with Jesus,
and because she is too adventurous to settle for anything less than
AMAZING.

Dear AEH:

"Whatever it is souls are made of,
yours and mine are the same"

love,

Friend

Miss Hazelyn

2010-04-30T13:14:00.004-05:00

So, one of the 12.2 jobs that I have currently puts me in direct contact with very old people. And by very old, I do mean nonagenarians.

I met Hazelyn one day during breakfast (It was "Hazeline," but she changed it when she went to college). She is a crinkly, tiny black woman with huge glasses that take up most her face and some of her forehead.

She still has noble cheeks.

She wears her hair combed back, in a bun. It's mostly white, but there are still stubborn gray and black streaks around her temples. She moves slowly, and I usually have to use all my strength to help her when she wants to stand up.

Today, I helped her take a worn book down from the bookshelf so she could read up on her husband's liver condition. She wanted to see how likely it would be that he would need to be on dialysis. He's 14 years her senior, is now debilitated with Alzheimer's, and lives in a home in Houston.

She grew up in the deep south, segregated but not poor. Her slow, southern drawl gives her heritage away especially when she transitions from one subject to the next (or rather, when she keeps trying to get herself back on the original subject at hand) with her "anyyyyywaaays" expression.

One of her first jobs was working as a teacher, in a school where she was the only black woman. The principal there, a white male, made sure that she was always backed by the administration, even when white students' parents would complain that she would steal things from the white students. She was 23.

She is now 78 and lives lives in a country where a black man is president. Her home now is apart from her husband, her children, and she has a flat screen that she never uses. She writes notes down on any available piece of paper in an attempt to remember things she means to look up later, or people she encounters, but usually loses them shortly after. She keeps a daily journal. Today, she had me print my name and address for her "just to have on hand."

Sometimes as I sit listening to her as she travels from thought to thought, I go between watching her and her slow, deliberate movements, and looking at the portrait painted of her and her husband, he standing with his arm on her shoulder, she seated in a leather chair.

And sometimes, the things she talks about seem like a least a million years ago.

Funnies

2010-04-29T13:10:00.003-05:00

Favorite quotes from life here with F&M:

1. "Jennie is the new Anne." (M)

2. "What an adventure you are on." (F & his amazing ability to have a godly perspective)

3. "Your cooking makes me think we are on an episode of 'Touched by an Angel.'" (F)

4. "Mary has something to confess to you.." (F when M has had a taste of something with my name on it in the fridge)

5. "Don't make sing!" (M said in a wonderfully dramatic accent)

Found

2010-04-28T17:12:00.004-05:00

"But I think you are already in the meshes of the net! The Holy Spirit is after you. I doubt if you'll get away!"
- CS Lewis

"For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the Sons of God."
- Romans 8:19

Praise Him for new sons.

notes on LOST, life

2010-03-15T16:27:00.003-05:00

Eek. Ok, so Richard got a "gift" when Jacob touched him. (Woot. See LOST post earlier.) Either this gift was eternal life, or life unharmed until the island is safe, or until there's a suitable candidate selected. Either way...interesting. I also think that though smoke-monster-as-Locke said dismissively that Jacob "just had a thing with numbers," the infamous number sequence has something to do with the candidates' age when Jacob touched them. OR, it has to do with the number of times they get the offer to be a candidate? Hmm. However, the fact that smoke-monster-Locke regarded it as so unimportant tells me it is probably vital to some element of Jacob's role.

Also, of note:

1. There were two *noticeable* close ups of fairly bland shots (a) Ben looking at the principal's name plate and (b) wait, i forget it at the moment...that usually mean they have some sort of significance to the plot later on. I'm going to watch for those....

2. They said there were "6 candidates left." Sooo, the six are? Hurley, Kate, Jack, Sawyer?, Sun, Jin. Iffy list...considering Sawyer may have already defected the other side. However, maybe "Sun and Jin" are considered one...leaving room for Ben. **ALSO NOTE: This episode was my favorite of the season. I was so worried they were just going to kill Ben off as a common prisoner. But that twist was so unexpected and redeeming: "I'll have you." Bless. I could cry now. HA.

3. A few episodes back there was a kid running through the jungle when Sawyer was following Locke. Was this supposed to be Jacob? And why the HECK were his wrists slit? Scccarrrry.

4. Finally, Elba. Ben writing it on the board in huge capital letters may have been a little too blatant on the part of the writers for it to actually hold value, BUT, Locke has been repeating his mantra of his desire to just get off the island...but not having any power? Interesssssting.

General thoughts on life:

If you are over the age of 10, leggings are NOT a a suitable substitute for pants.

His

2010-03-09T13:11:00.004-06:00

Sunday, my pastor spoke on our bodies as the Tabernacle of God, His dwelling place.
We are holy, set apart, a royal priesthood, kingdoms and priests unto God.

And I don't know what it is, but that truth
washed like waves over me. Over and over: 

You are my Tabernacle. You are where I make my Dwelling Place.

I mean, the Creator of the Universe tore the veil that we may have inexhaustible access to Him - because He is in and through us.

I guess whenever I hear those verses from Song of Solomon, I know they are sweet and loving and all that, but it is  being sealed on my heart that He is mine, because I am His. I am made beautiful and set apart because He has made His dwelling in me.

"But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed.
The Lord is Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are begin transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another" (II Corinthians 3:17-18).


Hallelujah.

There is freedom not only FROM, 
but freedom UNTO 

None of this is really new. Nothing new under the sun, after all. But still. Whenever I can just spend time sitting before him, I feel like I am reminded over and over that

I 
have 
tasted
and
seen,
and
I 
have 
been
ruined.

There is something that shifts in you when you know that you are MADE for Him, for his presence, for His nearness.

Life with Frary (Fred & Mary)

2010-03-06T20:43:00.003-06:00

The following is a top 17 list of things I love about living at 6918:

17. Mrs. Hennig's reaction to anything exciting/surprising. I want to fall on the floor laughing at how great it is to watch/experience.
16. Mr. Hennig's secret chocolate stash that allows a constant/steady flow of chocolate things into my mouth.
15. Christmas music playing in March.
14. Late night hours of YouTube and SNL highlights ("Sorry").
13. Endless supplies of it-will-make-your-car-run coffee.
12. A continual track of AEH via two additional very-informed sources as well as daily viewing of a digital picture frame that has pictures of aforementioned person's travels that I've NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
11. Being a Dave Ramsey convert.
10. The lovely walkway to the main house that now has potted plants and a fountain. *Yes, a fountain thanks to Father Fred.
9. The fact that Mother Mary and I have the exact same schedule: School, Work, Eat, Bake, Study, Repeat. And also that we buy the same random off-brand stuff from the grocery store. Kroger brand instant oats, anyone?
8. The inevitable recording of Mother Mary signing the lyrics of a Michael Jackson song. Complete with dance moves.
7. The convenience of having the answer I REALLY want from one of the two parties in the house.
6. Becoming a night owl.
5. A guaranteed hug when met by either parent at any time of day.
4. In-house handyman.
3. MH's various and sundry accents that surface at random occurrences.
2. New recipes and cooking for three.
1. Being praised continually for being such a wonderful person (ie: emptying the dishwasher).

Thank you Jesus for Mr. and Mrs. Hennig.
What a gift.

stream of conciousness

2010-03-02T21:14:00.004-06:00

First off,
I need to talk to someone about LOST.

1. Are we beginning to see the resemblances between "our" LOSTies and those others we were so afraid of? (ie: Rousseau and Claire; Ben and Hurley??) Suggestive maybe of a cycling out of the Losties for the Others and having the show in an endless cycle like we imagined?

2. Where the h is Des???????????? I mean, c'mon.

3. SAYID!? WTF? Since the beginning of the show, only a few things were ever really "certain," one being that Sayid was always right. (Feel free to fact check this one). NoW WhAT dO We Do!?

4. And I have to say, though I'm excited about this season and finally figuring out where the heck is up in the show, this season has been....weird? I mean, what's with the token Asian man of mystery in in the temple....who used to work at a bank. His character is so cliche I got bored even writing that. *But, also note: Reasons why Jacob may have known Korean when he visited Jin and Sun on their wedding day? *

5. Also, have we noticed how Jacob touches everyone when he visits them in the real world? Maybe insignificant, but ....nonetheless. And while we're on Jacob, his mysterious nemesis - could he be an Esau? I'm still holding out that this will have some Biblical allegory vs. the weird Egyptian theme.

That's one thing.
The other is I think I'm having an allergic reaction to Penicillin. Who knew? Also, my little Rose Cottage is looking very cute. However, I lack any and all technology to show anyone this. I'll be working on that. I painted my bathroom. I even taped the edges. But, while I almost died trying to paint a bathroom through a huffing overdose and using questionable objects to lengthen my reach, the stupid edges are still crooked and I painted half the ceiling. Dangggggggitttttt. Also, midterms next week. I can hardly believe that. Good thing I'm a ninja. Other things to note: budgeting is HARD. My days of traveling to beloved Target for dental floss and winding up with $50 of cute clothes and other moodsdore are over. That's sad. But, I'm a grown up. That's what we do. We SAVE. Also, taxes. Taxes. I've also decided that while I love the flexibility and adventure that subbing brings (First grader to me: "My talking parrot says that it's going to be next Sunday" --- ??? ---- ), I need a more substantial income. Thus, selling my liver on the black market has become more of an option. Or, selling my soul and working at some place like Nordstrom where ridiculous sums of money are spent on ridiculous things that I may have a ridiculous commission has become more of a viable option. (Question: How confident are you that you can convince someone to buy something that they didn't intend to buy?. Answer: What the h?) Can't i just be paid to make my house look pretty? Because that's what I do until stupid hours of the night. I hang things and buy clocks. (*Note: Clocks NOT in budget*) Also, I make questionable decisions and hate things like: cold weather, getting up early, garrulous professors, the RADIO. UGH I HATE THE RADIO. Today, I had a 10 minute drive with the radio on and wanted to KILL PEOPLE because the stupid ads were so annoying loud and abrasive. Also, I got lost in freakin' Richardson/Garland looking for a post office and a Bank of America. Apparently, Richardson/Garland proper has neither. I gave up after 30 mins of looking. Why the h don't i have a gps again? I mean, those things were made for me. Here's to old and new friends. Here's to drinking coffee that could make my car run. Here's to Sister coming for a visit. Here's to Dixie at the old people's home. I miss playing my violin and being around musicians. Here's to RANDOM people showing up in my dream. Just walking around.

Here's to dinners with Fred and Mary, or Frary, or Frad and Lolly. Or Mr. and Mrs. Hennig. Those are lovely. They are a welcomed home.

Meet me on the other side.

Also. Whoa: have I EVER read this passage?
²⁰If with Christ^(A) you died to the^(B) elemental spirits of the world,^(C) why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations— ²¹^(D) "Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch" ²²(^(E) referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to^(F) human precepts and teachings? ²³These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in^(G) promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are^(H) of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.

He has come for FREEDOM.

2010-02-28T01:31:00.001-06:00

yep.

aweeeeeeeesome

2010-02-14T20:53:00.000-06:00

the God of all Comfort

2010-01-18T14:01:00.004-06:00

For my friends who are grieving, and for my own ears as well:

I hear You say,

“My love is over. It’s underneath.
It’s inside. It’s in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel.
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real? ‘
The times you’re broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, it’s underneath.
It’s inside, it’s in between.
These times you’re healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you’re falling from grace.
The times you’re hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I’m there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I’m there through your heartache.
I’m there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow’r alone.
I don’t care where you fall, where you have been.
I’ll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends.”

Hallelujah.

yep.

2010-01-16T09:02:00.002-06:00

Thanks, Katie Apple.

also new in 2010....

2010-01-13T16:58:00.005-06:00

...me, budgeting.

Anne's dad has recently offered to help me organize my finances better. Ha. (...or at all? Don't tell Fred!) Annnddddddddd before we meet to discuss my own personal FredSheet in order to have my finances in tip top shape for the days of graduate school ahead, I have done some preparing myself.

By

DeSTRoyING mY CrEDit CaRD. Sigh. I'm not really a credit card "user" per se. I usually just use it if it's no interest/no fees for a certain amount of months, then pay it off before the interest starts. HOWEVER. Circumstances being as they are (I am broke), I've had to make sure to do the grown up thing and (a) pay off the remaining balance before I am broke-er and (b) take back this beloved item that I was hoping would go on sale (again) in order to re buy it cheaper. (Does this make me seem crazy? Maybe). SO. I decided to take it back all together.

Sigh. Lots of emotional pep talking to get me to go through with the act of this treasure being sent back. Oh the colors! Oh the vintage look and feel!?

HOWEVER. 2010 is a new year. It is a new year for lots of firsts. New school. New state. New responsibilities. And so, I wanted to get rid of the card in order to get rid of the temptation to buy before I have the means to pay. If I want it; I can save for it.

I feel like this emotional fortitude is going to be great for my skin.

A Little Artsy

2010-01-11T14:39:00.014-06:00

So, one of the true delights of my life is working at A Little Artsy with Casey Wiegand. Not only is she one of the most gracious and welcoming people I have ever come across, but the job is amazing. I love the ridiculousness of the kids and their amazing creative brains.

If you are friends with Casey & Chris, or would just like to spread the love of A Little Artsy located in Snider Plaza in Dallas, please feel free to copy this HTML into your java script code (Blogspot users: Click "Add a Gadget", "HTML code" in your Layout section and copy and paste the code below) to have a button for your blog:

considering

2010-01-08T20:14:00.002-06:00

Welp.

So, I interviewed for a job this week that I thought would be perfect for me. Like, literally. I didn't even have to verbally manipulate my "skill set" to make it sound like I had experience for the job I was applying to. I mean, I have it. AND I could say with good, clear conscience that "yes, I would love to do this." ( I mean, working at an agricultural credit bank....I might have said those words with my fingers crossed?)

But, I didn't get it. And I'm feeling torn. I mean, part of me (the very realistic, sensible part) is so alarmingly UNsurprised that it didn't happen. Great jobs are just hard to come by, apparently, unless you know someone/are related to them (thank you, Stan Bower).

But the other part feels pretty disillusioned still by the fact that I feel like I would have been so perfect for this job. I have the experience; I have the skills. And I would feel like my work in the day-to-day things actually mattered to someone.

So there I am: Somewhere in the middle between feeling unsurprised and more-than-slightly pessimistic and feeling terribly let down at how weird/unpredictable life is.

HOWEVER.

This is where I remember that the friggin' Creator of the UNIVERSE (..."universe" spoken in aforementioned "2010" space agey-voice....) is actually on my side.

On.
My.
Side.

Lalalala

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they neither toil nor spin. Yet even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these...."

so this is the new year

2010-01-01T13:11:00.005-06:00

The year in pictures....

I turned 25. Yikes.

Visited Perfect-ville. I mean, Pella, IA in a trip back in time.

Grand Canyon-ing with the sister.

Tried (and mostly failed) to learn to surf in San Diego.

Moved to Dallas.

Of note for 2009: I actually drove across America. Drove. Across. From North Carolina to San Diego. So. That's interesting I guess. My favorite view had to have been the Grand Canyon. So weird. It is essentially just a big hole in the ground, but it manages to be breath-taking.

The trip across the good U.S. of A did, however, also involve a lot of this:

And now for resolutionssssss. Well, in reality, for me, they only last a good six months. See here.

Scratch that, I'm still "pretty" good about Diet Cokes (the possible source of brain shrinking). I only have them a couple of times a week. Which isn't as good as my resolution (no diet cokes whatsoever), but is a step up from 2008 (a diet coke every day), and a step in between the slacking off of 2009's resolution (diet cokes only on the weekends). All that nonsense just to say: I'm average about resolutions.

But I actually failed miserably at using 2009 to read the Bible from cover to cover. And flossing. Oops. Well, maybe not entirely true, after my multi-hundred dollar visit to the dentist (*** me giving the bird to powers behind the lack of health/dental insurance in my life ***) , I got to flossing again. And someone else is going to have to tell me how I fared about the speaking more kindly resolution. Although, I know I have NOT been speaking kindly to Dallas drivers on I-75 (jerks).

I can definitely say I have been painfully and brutally honest in general about my life/feelings. Annnnnnnnnnnnd there is more than one person out there that can testify to that.

However! 2010 is a new year, and not just a new year that is starting to sound space-agey. It is a new year for ideals that are mostly ignored entirely by mid-February.

And my resolutes are:

Hmm....Well, I need to give this some thought. After all, if I'm going to change something entirely about my life for 2010 ("2010" said in creepy, spacey-echo effect), I'm going to have to give it more than 2.4 seconds of thought.

I'll keep you posted, world.

adventures in sub land

2009-11-23T13:22:00.005-06:00

I am a substitute teacher.

That's what I do now to make ends meet.

(Unrelated tangent: Until sometime fairly late in life - late enough for me not to disclose the time/date - I thought the expression was "make ends meat," and had convinced myself that "ends meat" was a colloquialism for the meat/food/sustenance that you have when you're really poor or when the pantry's almost empty. End tangent.)

My first adventure in substituting was 5th grade. Also to note: 5th graders are tall. They are also scary when they are "bowing up" to you. What does the term "bowed up" mean, you ask? I didn't know either, until one of my students "bowed up" to me as I was telling him that his partner - who had just previously hurled an eraser at the back of my head - was going to have to sit outside for the rest of the class. Upon hearing that he would have to be working alone, this young hoodlum "bowed up" straight to my face. This meant, that he jerked his shoulders and elbows ("bows") back to feign as if he was going to hit/attack me bodily. If he hadn't been just barely at my shoulder height, I might have been more alarmed than I was.

But, I was ok. My demeanor changed/morphed/matured instantly as I became not a fairly controlled, kind substitute that they had never met, but was now an angry, mean, scary old lady who would punish them until their grandchildren felt it, who heard herself say with a constricted throat and a hoarse whisper, "GET. OUT. SIDE."

It was only after I called the ISS teacher that I learned the expression "bowed up" when I demonstrated what he did.

Eek.

I guess I should start wearing heels and scary spectacles to make myself look older/more menacing.

Sigh. Two days of work and I'm ready for Thanksgiving already.

in review

2009-11-17T10:50:00.003-06:00

I've come to learn a few new things about living here:

1. I drive way too slow. And by "way too slow" I mean I generally, if not literally, fear for my life every time I think about getting on the feeder road to Central. I am probably going 40 miles UNDER the "unposted" speed limit. Very scary. Big Hummers and tiny little Mercedes whiz by me with only the glimpse of a little birdie that flies in my eye. And then clunky El Caminos, which can't exactly make quick decisions like one to cut me off, instead just ride Mrs. Onasis' tail like she's 2 cent lady of the night. I was backing out of my parking spot in the mall the other day, and some lady laid/slept/camped out on her horn at me, because apparently, I was blocking her way. (Though, if I remember correctly, she wasn't there when I start to back out...) I responded by laying/sleeping/camping out on my horn as I backed out completely (now facing her) and waved emphatically and smiled genuinely. She was very confused.

2. Finding a job issssssssss hard? Dear Starbucks, Unnamed Company, Anthropologie, Free People, Wal Mart, Whole Foods, Richardson ISD, Saltgrass Steak House, Merry Maids, Pier 1: Your swift rejections make me feel like I'm not competent enough to be left home alone or to use a knife without supervision.

3. In general, I have a love/hate relationship with the Federal government. Last month, I received a hefty tax return check - FROM 2007 (!?). Weird, I thought, whilst I skipped to the bank. Love. Then today, I get in the mail two notices from the federal and state governments saying there's been a mistake and I instead OWE THEM money from 2007. (2007. 2007!? I mean, really. I've moved on, haven't you?) Hate. So, that's awesome. In addition to the limb and left kindney I owe to my Dentist (how i love and hate thee as well), my mechanic, and now, Uncle Sam, I am feeling like it could be beans and rice for dinner for a while now.

4. In lighter news: I went to register for my first semester as a seminary student. Woot. I love that master's programs just start right out with interesting classes, and you don't have to sit through 7 semesters of general education survey crap just to get to the good stuff. Hello, abnormal psychology.

More updates soon. Can't wait for Thanksgiving - the best holiday (sorry anne, the one true thing we disagree on)

the lone star state

2009-11-04T11:57:00.006-06:00

hello new world.

hello texas and warmth and brother and sister and "the stars and stripes" and blue bell and huge southern hair.

Well, it's been about a week since I've moved. Yes! I finally moved! My sister should be jumping for joy somewhere back in the Show-Me state.

A few things just kinda fell together, and with the help of a very outspoken, self-knowing sister, I have been booted from the nest. I loved being at home, even despite of all the jokes. It basically gave me a safe place to land after YWAM filled with family, comfort, and a year-long hands-on cooking school (praise Him).

Though the lucrative business of administrative assisting was very...lucrative...I have been praying and asking for new direction for awhile now.

So. Here I am in Big D. (THOUGH IT IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT ANNE. UGH. THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER POST IN ITSELF.)

Starting school in January for a master's in counseling.
Living with a dear friend from college.
Interviewing at a few choice (and not-so-choice) locations.
Believing that the Lord sees me still.

That's my update.

I do miss my family

and this girl

(who is one of the funniest people I have ever met. ever.)
And Fall - generally

(Texas is perpetually summer/spring....and so not many beautiful treeeeesss)

But things are going well.

New faces.

New adventures.

Buahaha, ok, Lord. Adventure in the Lone Star State.

Ready.

Set.

Go.

The Brothers Karamazov: A hasty book review of amateur proportions

2009-10-12T11:00:00.007-05:00

In short: He scares me.

I've only a few pages left in this classic, which I would say is the equivalent of a full-bodied malt liquor - like a Heineken. Ha. Not really a drinker, but when I try to think of ways to describe the feel of Dostoyevsky's sentences in my mouth as I sound out each thick, dense word, all I can think of is the way I felt when I drank malt liquor in Ireland. The pint was a full meal in itself.

As I've gone back to read a few of the classic I've missed in my 'formal' education, I've found that the "classics" usually fall in one of two categories: A Classic and Not a Classic. (Uh, the Sound and the Fury: Maybe I missed it, but incomplete sentences and vague plotlines based on stream of consciousness doesn't really fit my ideal for a classical piece of literature? I'm a simple girl).

So, Dos' great work seems to surprise me, and falls somewhere in the middle. I mean, the characterization is definitely amazing - and maybe reason enough for its permant spot in classic literature. (And the nobility and depth in the character Aloysha is good enough to make "Aloysha" one of my top 10 of potential kids' names - don't spread that around, I once talked someone out of it, before i had finished the novel.) And Russian novelists of his day got paid by the word (so that explains a lot of his verbosity), so that explains away some of what I didn't quite enjoy.

BUT overall, definitely worth reading. I mean, everyone has to conquer one Dos novel, yes? Even if it wasn't one of my all-time favs ,like A Tale of Two Cities turned out to be when I read it two summers ago, it was good brain-excersize.

good ole' Dickens

becca & joe

2009-10-08T12:22:00.004-05:00

When they talk to, about, around, one another
they usually can find the other's eyes, and will sit contentedly in a gaze long after the words they've spoken have hung in the air and are whisked away by the momentously profound feelings that are spoken between them in the following silence.

The quiet between them seems to say 'I love you' over and over and over again.

It's in the way they watch one another.

She watches him, waits for him, laughs delightedly at him. He watches her, enjoys her, is filled by her.

Sometimes, we can all be in the middle of a completely normal conversation, and then she's suddenly captured his eye with some deep, unknown-to-everyone- else sweetness, and they're enraptured in something that I find quickly I'm not apart of.

They are intimate with one glance of the eye.
Going to places I haven't been, can't be, won't be, because it's only, ever, only between the two. I think I even feel the slightest bit embarrassed to be watching.

i love you i love you i love you i love you, their silence whispers

kayla jean

2009-10-07T08:50:00.015-05:00

I've been friends with Kayla for 11 years.
It seems wild to me only because we're so different in a lot of ways. And because aside from my family, she's been with me through life the longest. From high school dances, to driver's licenses, to college far away, to wayward journeys, separate lives, and separate friends, but keeping a singular home, the same Father in Heaven.

We've lived almost half our lives knowing one another (which I feel like should either lend itself to true respect or...not).

I love that she is intentional with her friends.
I love love love that even when I don't ask, she
PRAYS FOR ME.
I love that she has never strayed from pursuing her Father in Heaven.
I love how she respects her parents.
I love how I can count on her - to make me feel welcomed, loved, seen.
I love how she makes fun of me when I need it most.

I love that she knows me, takes part in my life, adds to my life,

even though we're hundreds of miles away.

I am so grateful for her love and friendship.
I am grateful that she is part of my joy amid struggle.

(And, yes, I'm glad she's found a boy that can appreciate all this in her too)

"Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself."
1 Sam 18:1

Proverbs 16:9 (paraphrased)

2009-09-30T10:29:00.011-05:00

Go ahead and make your plans.

That's an important part of living.

But I have the trump card.

Love, God.

(Haha, great article on God's trump card here.)

some tings i've made

2009-09-28T19:03:00.005-05:00

I was so shamelessly pleased with myself for my latest craft project (see pillow) that I've decided to post pictures of some of my favorite made-from-scratch items. (Anne, these are the first items in our store we may or may not open one day when we live in The Duplex.)
Enjoy!

I found this chiffarobe (yeah, i didn't know it was called that until I found out from Kayla. Who knew? She did) at a garage sale for $25.00. It was a weird green-tinted wood, so i went ahead and painted the whole thing. Stan was skeptical. But, He ended up liking the colors after all.

This used to be a puke-yellow mirror. I had planned on sanding it down to paint it something entirely different, but instead found this wonderful vintage white paint under the yellow. I used it for a while as a mirror, but when I moved it broke! Undaunted, I stole some potted plant hangers, and strung the "Grace" up by fishing wire. An excellent improvement upon a tragedy, I'd say! (The fall wreath is just for the lovely season ahead!)

The pillow on the bed is my latest endeavor. Don't look too closely - the seams aren't so pretty. But, I love the fabric and needed to redo the dilapidated pillowcase that used to be covering it.

And this is what I gave my sisters-in-law for Christmas (thanks, Katie Apple for the idea.) I think they enjoyed them...hopefully, since I gave myself 2nd degree burns in using the glue gun to get these puppies together. Owie. (please also note amazingly-cute chalkboard/calendar in the background. also a 'homemade' item.)

Soooo Martha, yes?

hymns

2009-09-20T15:28:00.001-05:00

I need Thee,

Oh, I need Thee.

Ev'ry hour I need Thee.

Bless me now my Savior,

I come to Thee.

Hope

2009-09-13T14:24:00.003-05:00

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -

For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

new/old vision

2009-09-09T22:19:00.005-05:00

if i could,
i would be paid to be a musician: violin, ukelele, harmonica, kazoo, whatever. there is just a life in music that i can't really explain, but only understand vaguely enough to pursue wildly.

i want to help people.

that sounds stupid and idealistic, but i do. at the very basis, i want my life to be in service for someone.

if i never had to reconcile a business account again, i wouldn't be sorry in the slightest.

i desire,
crave,
need,
adventure.

i think i have allowed myself to be lulled to sleep by the drone of passing cars in a city during rush hour, and have forgotten what adventure is. and it's true: my adventure may very well be in another 9 to 5 job, but i am certain no shrub is safe from wild attacks of imagination from here on out.

i want to be known as an intercessor.

i believe in the power and movement of prayer, and i want it to be something that defines me. the only answer i have ever found to be uncompromisingly true has been something i've discovered in prayer.

i still believe that i follow Christ

because

i

met

Him

and He changed me.

that may sound mystical or flimsy, but it's the Truth. i don't believe someone can be changed by imagination or even by their own will.

i

believe

it's

because

He

is

alive.

as backwards as this sounds - especially with a post with the majority of sentences beginning with "i" - i don't want my life to be about me. i've done that and it just turns into a self-pitying vortex of empty faster than i can take deep breaths to talk myself out of it.

i want it to be for someone.

for them in prayer.

for them in love.

for Him in life.

mercies new every morning

2009-09-08T09:07:00.004-05:00

trust
in
the
LORD
with
all
your
heart
and lean not on your own understanding
and
in
all
your
ways
acknowledge
Him
and
He
will make your paths straight.

array me like a lily, Lord,
for i am
yours
alone.

"the eternal God is thy dwelling place
and underneath are the everlasting arms"
Deut. 33:27

loves

2009-09-05T23:10:00.004-05:00

True selflessness is that my mom always sits facing the house.

If you sit outside, and your back is to the house, it is nothing but greens and browns and trees and sky.

If you sit outside and you face the house, it is siding, an unkempt garden and a broken porch.

There is only one seat that faces the house and she always puts herself there, while the rest of us talk gaily and enjoy a late summer dinner under the Lime Tree, with a view of gardens and trees and green.

We don't argue; She doesn't point it out.

But she always sits facing the house.

lines

2009-08-25T22:27:00.003-05:00

When I don't see the miraculous, I have felt Him walking beside me still.
When my prayer is not answered, He remains a God who hears.
As I lean not on my own understanding, I am in awe of His generosity.
In times when I do not see breakthrough, I see Him in all things.

thank you for the stars,
and for light that we don't see

your kindness is from everlasting to everlasting,
and I walk daily in it.

thank you that your goodness is something I am apart of,
and thank you that it is something I can never understand.

lend me the grace to only walk beside you

Ha

2009-08-17T08:19:00.012-05:00

I was musing over the weirdness/uncertainty of my life last night with my mom, and I found myself repeating words that I almost recognized, but wasn't quite sure where I had heard them from. I was talking (complaining/whining) about how I am trying to do things "right" and why then, would the Lord be withholding from me? What cause for this continual state of "waiting" or unknowing (or ignorance, whatever...)?

It wasn't until early this morning that i remembered that I had blogged a while ago about just such a scenario here.

Would I still praise His name when breakthrough/revelation/help didn't come? Holy hell. Maybe not? I mean, my praise these days is a kind of wimpy, half-hearted "thank you" to the God of the universe who still lets me breathe each day.

Woops?

I think I rebuke myself.

And I do praise you, Lord; for my health, for my family, for my best friends who are faithful to continue to pray for me, for my job, for MUSIC, for that lovely vacation that we had, for restoration, for healing, for my violin, for learning to walk with you, for your grace that covers me every.single.day, for crickets that chirp, for the early morning that's just quiet enough for me to hear from you, for giving your life for me. Hallelujah.

night walking

2009-08-14T23:40:00.003-05:00

i've taken to late night walks.

So amazing.

It's turning point in my life that I have begun to really appreciate the joy and peace of early mornings and late nights.

i love walking outside when no one's around. there's something so very magical about night and the melodic sounds of crickets hidden by the darkness.

I've asked the Lord to walk with me during these night walks, and I think He has.

He's very quiet though.

things i do know

2009-07-22T08:53:00.003-05:00

1. i can't handle dairy
2. i miss my friend
3. i like quitting jobs
4. i feel better when i sleep more
5. this is the coldest july i have ever experienced
6. i like music
7. jesus loves me
8. i veer to the old fashioned side of things (no cleavage before 5 pm, no white afer labor day...)
9. chocolate chip cookies have no subsitute

the rest, i probably don't know.

dear josh

2009-07-06T07:01:00.001-05:00

I worked at verizon
I finally bought a violin pick up
I got a tattoo
I went to Hawaii with YWAM
I went to Jakarta
Checked into an Indonesian hospital
Checked out and flew home
I fainted in a grocery store parking lot
I worked at CBMC
John got married
Applied for a job in Dallas, austin, houston, st. louis, kansas city
Got turned down in all those places
I rode in the car while my sister drove (scary)
Started dating Jordan
Got a job at Northwestern Mutual
Applied to seminary for counseling

....those are the things I've done since you passed away. Weird, huh? Seems like a lot. Seems like a lot of time has passed since I last saw you. But even yesterday, I was driving and for some reason, I couldn't imagine you not here. I could not see you as anything but alive and making fun of me for liking The Fray.

I remember a couple weeks before you died, you asked me about Ryan Adams' latest release, (you didn't have enough cash to buy it...surprise surprise. Haha) and I told you it was so-so. But it's always so-so when you first hear it. Needless to say, it turned out to be amazing. And there's a song on it that reminds me so much of you, because there's a line that says something about being fractured from the fall. I think Adams' reference might be biblical, but to me, it definitely is. And that's how I think you were: fractured from the Fall. As we all are, yes, but you were in a different way. And when i start to get sad, when I have to make myself realize that you are gone, I think of you being made new, being made whole and completely satisfied in Heaven.

What a thought for us today.

"you open the door for me"

2009-07-01T09:04:00.002-05:00

a friend loves at all times

2009-06-19T10:20:00.007-05:00

we are weirdos

So, I called kayla, the other bff, because I needed a listening ear and a good word of wisdom.

Not only did she let me just rant and rave without fear of judgment, but she responded with,

"Can I read you the prayer I prayed for you this morning?"

humbled

her

love.

What a friend that I can just call, on some random day of the week, and who will be ready and waiting with a prayer she prayed in in the quiet places with her Almighty, without my knowing.

Thank you, Jesus for friends like Kayla. Thank you for the woman that she is who sows in the secret and who will reap joy and life.

anNIE cake

2009-06-18T20:34:00.011-05:00

I have been missing Friend terribly lately. I just need her. I need her advice. I need her ridiculous humor. I need her to tell it to me straight. Ugh. SO. I did the thing that makes me feel closest to her in the world: I baked.

And as i baked, i documented, that she may be a part of the process both in my heart and (now) in my blog. :)

hello baker's squares. how i love thee.

the cake itself was ridiculous. i mean. ri.dic.culous. so rich. and yet there is still the chocolate mousse and the dark chocolate cream ganache to go. yikes.

So here comes the hard part: The mousse.

85% chaoco chips. melted into the marscapone. check.

HERE IS MY PROBLEM: The recipe for the ganache called for "heavy cream." Ok, check. But the recipe for the mousse called for "whipping cream." SO WHAT THE H IS THE DIFFERENCE?? Annniiieee this is where i needed to mindlessly deliberate over weird/unimportant decisions: Is Cool Whip the mystery "whipping cream" only so named because of fear of copyright laws?? Or is there a lurking whipping cream some where out there that will provide the perfect mousse texture??

BAH

I went with the Cool Whip.

DELISH. I could eat that mousse plain.

Any "normal" cake would stop there... But oh no. Not a cake for annie. Here comes the cream ganache icing.

I have to say, it was well worth it.

well.

worth.

it.

why He whispers

2009-06-15T09:16:00.002-05:00

It's probably been a year since I first started striving.

Ha.

No really. All this time I've been striving to hear His voice about what my next steps are, striving to find my purpose, striving to make a living doing something that doesn't make my soul shrivel up like a dried up raisin (thank you, Jordan).

I can't say I've been especially patient.

Er.

I can't say I have been patient.

But I was in the kitchen the other day, and felt I heard the Lord's voice gently reminding me where I was headed.

"There you are, Lord, where have you been?" I asked, instantly tearful. My heart has been so heavy with striving after His voice and His will. But it was as if I suddenly realized He had been speaking in a quiet whisper to me all along. "But why did you have to whisper?" I begged, hurt and impatient.

"Because I knew you would never listen to a Father who yells," was His only reply

lyrics

2009-06-14T00:09:00.005-05:00

hope which was lost

now

stands

renewed

(ps...uh...does the face in the background of the "praying the names of jesus" book (see below) look vaguely familiar to anyone else? Uh, SAYID!?? Seriously. I spy him)

For Katie Apple

2009-05-15T11:12:00.009-05:00

So I've been reading this amazing devotional by Ann Spangler. It basically walks you through the names of Jesus and how those aspects of his character apply and fulfill your life. I feel like God spoke to me straight up through the first entry: Immanuel.

I think my biggest struggle since YWAM was this nagging fear/doubt I had about all that happened in Jakarta. All the struggle and the sickness seemed to be because He had left me. It sounds totally ridiculous to write that -- I KNOW that he didn't leave me. But, I struggled every day to really know and feel his presence, when it felt and looked like He had just left us there. There were no breakthroughs. There was no relenting of struggle. And it ended in me being in the hospital in Indonesia and promptly returning home -- not even allowed to debrief and enjoy my friends in Hawaii. For all my striving to pray and believe that He was faithful to complete the work, I doubted every single day that he was there and had heard a single prayer I prayed.

So, in places of deep intimacy with Him lately, I have found this coming up in my thoughts and prayers: "Lord, why did you leave me there?"

It's like, despite me knowing for a fact the contrary, I can't stop myself thinking it: He left me. He left me when I needed Him the most. All I had to cling to was His word, my constant prayers for help and nearness, and the sweet melodies of worship that were close to my heart.

As I opened up this devotional, the words rushed over me about His being Immanuel: God with us. The scriptures of promise where He said he would never leave nor forsake me, and that He is with me wherever I go were like water washing over my heart and doubt. I KNOW that I read - I clung to -- those scriptures when I was in Indonesia, but for some reason, the doubt in my heart was distorting how I heard them. Instead of "I will never leave you nor forsake you," I heard "I will never leave you nor forsake you -- except for now, because you can't hear my voice or see my hand."

And now, suddenly, I could see the truth in those words again.

He has never left me.

In the last entry for Immanuel, it quotes that verse we talked so much about, Katie:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross the rivers, they will not over take you" (Isaiah 43:2-3).

Why is it such a struggle to hear his voice and see his face in the freakin' midst of the waters? I don't know. The bible has so many instances of his ever-present faithfulness in the middle of battles and struggles - but it seemed that those were reserved and confined to the fragile pages of my Bible itself. They weren't for me. Was it so wrong for me to want Him to show up in bright lights and shakina glory and cause our slum to fall to its knees in repentance?? Was it so selfish for you to wish He would take away the pain and fear in all those surgeries, Katie?

I don't know.

But I know that His word says that He is an ever-present help in time of need; a refuge; a hiding place; a God Who Is With Us. And I am choosing to let those words and promises wash away my fears and doubts and hurt, so that I can see what is hidden more clearly the next time around.

annie

2009-05-04T09:24:00.025-05:00

Well, Annie's birthday was last Friday, so here goes an "Everything Annie" post.

In my ripe old age, I have found that true friends (like, down to the core of who you are) are really so rare. And I have the most wonderful privilege to call Anne my Friend. (Capital "f," because that's the only way to address her without having to say weird things like "ultimate friend" or "only best friend.")

ANYWAYS.

Anne and I's friendship began in the weirdest way. It started with both our good friends being out of the picture, us deciding on a whim to room together, a handful of weirdos who gathered around us, and the ensuing "Anne and Jennie" world that then quickly developed.

I don't believe I have wanted to be apart since.

Generally, Anne is just me - revised. Hah. She has a filter that I envy, a moral fortitude that is unmatched, a kindness unwavering, and a humor that is uncanny. I think one of my favorite things to watch is how she cares for other people. As simple as it sounds, she is so unselfish when it comes to others: the way she listens, the way she serves, the way she goes about her day. I can't think of anything she wouldn't do for her loved ones.

(trip around hawaii)

And that's what makes her time at YWAM so amazing. Right now, Anne is living 700 miles away from all her closest friends and family, and has committed to doing so for over a year in order to give her life to advance His Kingdom. Her choice may be a biiiiiiiiit padded by the beauty of Hawaii (beach), but I know she feels deeply her sacrifice even in her bravery.

Even if I'm not right there beside her through all this, I can be sure of a few things: one, that she is handling change and uncomfortableness with a grace that is pure and gentle; two, that she is loving those strangers around her with as much strength as she would love friends she's known for all her now-24 years; and three, that she misses me terribly and would do anything to have me there, because, duh, it's just better when we're together.

I was talking to my mom just last night about relationships and difficulties within them, and she was asking me about my friendship with Anne. All I could say was that "we do life the same." And that's one of my very favorite things about her. There is such a peace and rest that comes with being with someone who you don't have to pretend around. I don't have to pretend to be good, or be whatever because Anne understands me better than anyone I've ever known. Even if I tried to pretend -- she'd know I was pretending and then call me out on it. And it's not like we've never had conflict (thank you, YWAM). We have. And it only made me appreciate her more. In my tendency to ignore and to withhold, her gift is to seek out reconcilation and peace. Her life is so submitted to His voice and His leading that she could never be comfortable with not being honest if she felt something was out of step with who God is, or who He has called her or I to be.

(thanks for the amazing capture, Zhenya)

And yet, even at my worst -- head over the toilet, vomitting my guts out from a liiiiiiiiiitle too much to drink -- I never felt less loved or less cared for. For that, I am so grateful. How the h she manages to balance integrity and grace like she does I will never friggin know.

And now, a brief listing of my favorite things abour her (or her and I).

1. How we both wear panty hose still to nice events -- because that's how good girls are raised.

2. Her love for sweets. Specifically, cookies.

3. Her ability to draw hilariously true, insightful Paint pictures of awkward/memorable/imaginative situations.

4. How we manage to be doing the same thing/thinking the same thing even when we're miles and miles away. (ie: reading Weight of Glory without telling one another...)

5. The way we laugh when we're jogging.

6. The way she hits me with her racquet in racquetball.

7. Her inappropriateness when no one else is watching.

8. Her love for the ridiculous.

9. How she is always learning and trying new things.

10. Her unfailing honesty and grace.

(TTF for life)

So, HaPPy BiRthDAy AnNie!?!?!?!IEIEIEIEIEIEIIEI

And to end with one of my favorite quotes from Anne...ever:

"I might set you on fire if you wake me up in the morning."

- Anne Elizabeth Hennighausen

j.m.k

2009-04-20T18:00:00.001-05:00

With tax day just last week, there is a need to celebrate...Jordan's birthday. I love how a few of my friends (aka: you, anne) have chosen to really honor someone on a day that is special....birthday...anniversary...etc...by blogging about them. SO.

Today is for Jordan.

Jordan is, as I have always said, one of the kindest people I know. Generally, his first inclination is to think, want, work for, look for the best of someone else. Sure, he hates on the generally-unstable charismatic crowd, and those are are intentionally, insatiably mean (st. louis drivers), but I think at the bottom of who Jordan is, he is waiting to think the best of them. I don't know why his kindness has always struck me, but it's like that song, something about the power of beauty in a wicked world. And that's what Jordan's kindness is -- it's like this beautiful, peaceful thing in the midst of a wicked and perverse generation (Thank you, Moses). And when all my kindness and gentleness has begun to wear away, his seems an unending fount.

Then there's his general ridiculousness. Ha. One of my favorite things about him at YWAM was that he and Anne and I had this perfect understanding about little hilarities that flew over most people's heads (i.e.: 4-hour Loren sessions or 8 years of protocol). While Anne and I would be trying desperately to hold in our laughter at our own depravity in comparison to sweet confessions of innocent little Korean girls who were broken of their having stolen Hello Kitty pencils when they were 4, Jordan's playful eyes would say a million different things, and then I was laughing in the middle of a very poignant moment.

I think his humor is delightful. It's like a general agreement that important things should never be taken too seriously, and ridiculous things (like giraffes) should be taken very seriously. He has flip-flopped a world of ghastly mistaken priorities, and so, with him, my world seems balanced.

As I've gotten to know jordan -- past all the pretend things that we love to pretend -- I have found that his pretend isn't really pretending at all. Sure, he pretends he's not afraid of Stan (my Dad), but he doesn't pretend to care or to confess or to really give. All those things to him are true and real.

And one of my very favorite things about him is that he isn't afraid. He isn't afraid of praying against huge territorial entities in the spiritual world (ahem); he isn't afraid of showing me who he is; he isn't afraid of leaving all his comforts (again and again) for a passion in his heart for the passions of His heart. He has intentionally put himself at unease to fulfill the will of God. He's shared his doubts and his frustrations, but I feel he has settled a long time ago that he would be at peace with who God is and where God called him.

sweet.

"In fact, everyone who has left his homes, brothers, sisters, father, mother, children, or fields because of my name will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."
Matthew 19:29

happy birthday, jordan. you are an old man.

Signed,
young, spring chicken

jesus saves...and so does LOTR

2009-04-06T12:34:00.002-05:00

Sigh. At my desk on a snowy Monday morning. Lord of the Rings soundtrack in my ear buds saves me.

a thankful heart prepares the way

2009-04-01T12:11:00.004-05:00

Though our mouths were full of song as the sea,and our tongues of exultation as the multitude of its waves,and our lips of praise as the wide-extended firmament;though our eyes shone with light like the sun and the moon,and our hands were spread forth like the eagles of heaven,and our feet were swift as hinds,

we should still be unable to thank thee and bless thy name,

O Lord our God and God of our fathers, for one thousandth or one ten thousandth part of the bounties which thou has bestowed upon our fathers and upon us.

- Hebrew Prayer

For the LORD comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song.

Isaiah 51:3

Oh man. I think I just did this "thankful" post at Thanksgiving, but here it comes again.

I am so thankful for a family that loves and cares for me (and has not yet kicked me out....); for a best Friend who loves at all times, whose heart is wild and sweet, and whose adventures I can now live through vicariously, for my friend and love, Jordan, who has taught me the meaning of kindess and who likes me when I don't have make up on; for my sweet Katie Apple, who has taught me about His faithfulness and providence; for my sister who remains continually on my side; for my job(s); for my health; for my sisters-in-law who are total opposites but who I love the same; for my brothers, with whom I have an understanding that I could never explain; for faithful friends who pray for me without my knowing; and lastly, for chocolate chip cookies.

I love those damn things.

His

2009-03-18T13:19:00.003-05:00

He is jealous for me.

He is unwaiveringly, unfailingly for me. He is eternal. He is perfect.

He is kind to me.

He is King of Kings. He is holy. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is sacrificial. He is the true judge.

His word will not return void. His promises endure.

He is more faithful than the coming morning. He is my hope. He is my shield.

"He has been a refuge for us..."

He is unchanging, immutable, everlasting.

He is my hiding place.

He is my song, my strength.

He has set me in the cleft of the rock to show me His face.

He is glorious.

He is a good shepherd. He neither slumbers nor sleeps.

He sees me.

And I am His.

Hallelujah.

Rescue

2009-03-03T22:00:00.004-06:00

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

I need you Jesus to come to my rescue
where else can I go?
There's no other name by
which I am saved
Capture me with grace

I will follow you

My heart is yours for life
I need your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

love

2009-03-02T14:35:00.003-06:00

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13: 7-8

HOLY MOLY.

It's funny that I think if as Christians, we could really understand/believe/live this kind of love, we'd be sooooooooooo much better off. Seems strange that these two more-than-very familiar verses have seemed like I read them for the first time today.
But dang if I don't need to hear it again.

and again....

and again....

and again....

Mere Christianity

2009-02-02T10:59:00.000-06:00

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house form the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

Thanks, Katie H. :)

Indonesia

2009-01-08T21:27:00.009-06:00

Some of my favorite Indo pics.
At the slum in Tanaban.
This was a game kinda like rock-paper-scissors that we played with the kids in Tanaban. I LOVE Bayu's expression in this picture as he's very aptly acting out a gorilla. Haha.

Ha. This one is maybe my FAVORITE of Ryan. So classic

Hearyee, hearyee! This is the infamous Rice Pyramid, a traditional Indonesian meal at holidays and birthdays. Seriously. All that yellow is rice. Also, please note that the makshift "flags" on the side are actually hot peppers. Owie.

Haha ok. I was in the supermarket getting massive amounts of milk for the slum the next day, and as I was on knees counting out the cartons, this little thing came up and stood between me and the shelves. She just STARED. I imagine she had never seen a bule (a white person) up close...much less one that is as fair as I am. Her mouth is agape in shock.

Neighborhood boys.

randomness

2009-01-06T14:18:00.004-06:00

Nita, you've been so encouraging about my old Europe pics, so I'm posting a few more for you!

(Sigh. Traveling is something that is so dear to my heart and I'm not sure why.)
Also, resolution update: Still not a single diet coke!! WOOT!

Cinque Terre, ItalyI love this picture because I caught this little munkin while he was crying about something -- and subsequently being consoled by a lolli pop.
Church in Brugge.
Hah....this picture is just from a door in Germany. I just think the language looks like art itself!
Paris, France.
Edinburough, Scotland.
Edinborough, Scotland. I remember this man and I chatted a bit. He was very opinionated about the fact that we "should excersize more." (Reasons he like ran up Sir Arthur's seat....) I was impressed.
Gotti, i think.

resolutes

2009-01-01T22:49:00.021-06:00

Granted, 2008 was a tumultous year politically, economically (blah blah blah), but I am already sick with "Stories of 2008" headlines and the subsequent epic photo montages. HOWEVER, in my life, 2008 was definitely an interesting year,
where I took part in the following:
... joined YWAM, lived in Kona, Hawaii for 3 months (niiiiceee), saw an octopus, showed that beach who said Anne and I wouldn't come out friends in the end who's boss, ate oatmeal for breakfast for 5 months straight, made friends who I will treasure for my LIFE, went East, contracted the tropical hemorrhagic fever specific to Southeast Asia (I'll pass), watched a man die (also a passer), made friends with my 93-year-old neighbor who describes her husband as a "hottie," allowed my sister to drive me places (scarier than the hemorrhagic fever), interviewed for 5 jobs, watched my brother marry one of my best friends, worked as an administrative assistant (Zzzz), blue-eyed boy, ran a half marathon, contemplated getting another tattoo, rode the bus to Chicago, loved John Steinbeck more,
liked coffee less, survived the one-year anniversary of Josh's death, tried to figure out what the heck Micah 6:8 really means, took steriods (uh, really), decided with finality that eggplant is my favorite vegetable, and spent New Year's with a delightful group of new friends.

What I've resolved for 2009 (in descending order from the things I'll be most likely to accomplish to the things I concede may never happen):

1. Floss.
2. Speak more kindly.
3. No more Diet Coke (or at least limited consumption of the chemical that may or may not shrink human's brains).
4. Not be annoyed so easily.
5. Read the Bible through, cover to cover.
6. Be brutally, if not painfully, honest.

So, we shall see. Thank you Lord for health and a new year.

desert song

2008-12-30T10:07:00.001-06:00

This is my prayer in the desert,
When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need,

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire,
In weakness or trial or pain.
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on it's way.

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

in other words....

2008-12-15T13:50:00.002-06:00

This is about how I'm feeling at this point:

Or, narrated:

D(#$*#(::asdf#(#*$#!)!!)!)!) ieiei#(*$#

KDJKDkdkdjfkdja; dfD(#(!@!)!!!)_@?@@

sigh.

micah 6:8

2008-12-09T12:30:00.003-06:00

So, I've been waiting to hear back from a job I interviewed for in Dallas last week. It came out of no where, and really sounds amazing, but still the 8 billion different things that are in my heart seem to conflict one way or another, and I don't even know what I'd say if I were offered the job. But as I wait to hear from them, I have just set my heart before the Lord and asked Him to direct me. I was supposed to hear back from them today (still waiting), and as I opened my Daily Light, what little 'ole verse popped up once again??
It started first with "To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice" (Prov 21:3). Hmm, I thought, That sounds eerily familiar to what He's been speaking over and over again through this in-between time.
Then, continuing, "He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8).

Ha. I still have NO idea what the Lord is really saying through this, whether it means this period of my life is just meant to be a small life, working to pay of debt, nothing too flashy, or whether it means that I will be heading off on some weird YWAM adventure sometime soon, I can't deny that He has been bringing this up repeatedly to my attention.

So, Lord, as I wait, I just ask that I would walk and demonstrate righteousness and justice in humility as I walk with You.

wildflowers

2008-12-01T14:11:00.004-06:00

My love for you is real.
It moves like a summer breeze.
My love for you is strong.
Lord it brings me to my knees.

It’s born in the wild
It's river long,
Love strong,
True and wild as hell.
Honey now,
My love for you is real.

My love for you is calm.
Candy sweet and thunder strength.
My love for you is wild,
It breaks the locks and breaks the chains.

My love for you is long
Across the oceans on a sail.
My love for you is true,
Meanings change but not the tune.

It’s born in the wild
It's river long
Love strong
True and never still.
Honey now
My love for you is real

I love this song. I think it has so much truth in it, for His love for me. So crazy how real it is sometimes. I love that it feels wild and free when so many times we think it's controlled and measured.

I was thinking about a lot of different stuff with my brother and his new wife here this last week. And I was thinking about their life in Dallas, working, being trendy, pretty consumed in their life as newlyweds but still giving of themselves in this church plant they are working with. And as clear as day I heard the Lord's voice say,

"You would never be content with that."

It's so weird how sometimes I know the Lord's voice. And I felt it was Him so distinctly. On intense dissection, the words could be distorted into someone pessimistic or even critical. But I know that's not what He meant. I think John and Kasey's life is beautiful. It is honoring the Lord with their gifts and talents, and for a while that's what I thought I wanted. But I know I would never be content with that life. I mean, I want to be married and all that, I just know that I would collapse in on myself if I stayed in the States too long. I always find myself so consumed with my SELF whenever I'm here. It's like I get more and more ridiculous as I spin inward. Ha. And I've found such freedom from that in cultures where it's not about me....about my clothes or hair or body....because 'outreach' so many times mean just the opposite of my life here (so much so that we don't shower often or wear more than two pairs of shoes).

And I love the freedom that comes with that.

And that's what I think I love about His love for me: It is wild and free and messy and it doesn't shower a lot. For now, here I am, working, paying off debt. But I "belong among the wildflowers" (Thank you, Tom Petty), and I can't wait for wherever that is.

thanksgiving

2008-11-30T22:08:00.003-06:00

A little Thanksgiving...missing a few choice family members this year. But, (**sigh ** ) such is life once peeps start getting married. Please note that with Kasey's addition to our family, I now realize how much of a munchkin I am. DANGIT.
These next few were the ladies on Thanksgiving day with our lovely aprons. Woot.

I really do have so much to be thankful for this year...being alive is one of the top ones. Ha.

I am thankful for my sweet family who I love dearly despite all our issues.
I am grateful for sweet friends from all over the world.
I am thankful for Nita and how she cares for me like I'm one of hers still.
I am thankful for my sister who is always on my side.
I'm thankful for my sister-in-laws who were my friends first.
I'm thankful for my Mom who is one of my best friends.
I'm thankful for my Dad who thinks I'm weird and loves me just the same.
I'm thankful for a Friend who loves at all times.

From Friend to Me

2008-11-13T17:24:00.006-06:00

So, because Friend knows me inside/outside/over/under in a way that mostly borderlines the "abnormal or supernatural" side of things, she is the BEST at giving gifts. Previously, they've been cutesy/artsey things that Martha Stewart's prison dreams could never match, but this year she's used her 'seeing eye' into my heart and got me a year's subscription to Cooking Light!!

Woot! Maybe she knew because I drool over the copies she has at her house, but nevertheless, I ... LOVE...IT. I just got my first installment a few weeks ago, and the pages are earmarked like crazy and it already has a place of honor next to my bed (just a reach away from the bib-al of course). I have already committed to allowing the stack to continue to climb as the issues keep coming. Hoarding though it may seem, good recipes at the ready is no laughing matter.

Thanks, Friend, for doing what you do best: Being so you ...and so me at the same friggin time.
My tummy thanks you.

for a friend...

2008-11-12T09:31:00.002-06:00

I have been meeting with a friend to pray and walk through some intensely painful memories. And as we've been experiencing these things again, it takes something all together supernatural to wait patiently that the Lord will bring healing and truth to situations full of hurt and lies. As a general rule, I do not understand how our Father works, but I know that He is faithful. So, sweet friend, these lyrics are for you:

To the one with the wounded heart
The years fighting have left you scarred
Wait the light will come
To the one with the distant eyes
All this crying has left you dry
Wait the light will come
Wait the light will come
Lift your eyes
The sun has overcome the night
Come alive
As we shine in loves true light

Here is laughter beyond the tears
Here is courage to face your fears
Look the light has come
So rise you daughters and stand you sons
Claim the victory that Jesus won
Look the Light has come
Look the Light has come

"Let us hold fast to our confession with unwavering hope that He who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:23

i

2008-11-07T10:53:00.003-06:00

i am: weird with a side of normal.

i fear: microwaves.
i hate: bad grammar.
i love: my family.

i dream: most nights.
i ache: still when I think about Josh.

i wish: I had any sort of a sense of direction.

i want: a nice camera. (Or something more profound... like "world peace"?)

i smell: things before I eat them.
i hear: the harmony over the melody.
i crave: chocolate chip cookies.....nearly at all times.
i desire: to make Him proud.
i can't: cook like my mom. It's so annoying.
i dance: at weddings.
i sing: for my King.

i listen: to music as much as humanly possible.
i need: laughter.
i lose: my friggin keys.
i think: too much.
i feel: like my current job makes me want to gouge out my own eyeballs it's so dull.
i watch: my little sister. She's trouble, I tell you.
i miss: my brothers.

i write: sarcastically.

i can usually be found: thinking too much.

i believe: He has called me lily.
i never: talk in the morning if i can help it.
i care: for the little ones.
i wonder: what the h I'm doing with my life.
i regret: eating Candy Corn. It ALWAYS makes me sick.

i am scared: of heights.
i like: my bed, "la marshamellow"
i know: that He is good.

apologetic art

2008-11-06T12:25:00.003-06:00

There comes a time in everyone's life for apologies. Whether the person is someone you struggle with getting along with/they are nearby, the need for the art of apology seems staggering. In light of the fact that "those times" come very often in my life as I have a blind, stubborn need to be in a position to apologize, I've decided to share with the world wide web some things I've learned in the apology minefield.

1. When you know you need to give an apology:
a. Straight after a word/action, you feel that horrible thing in your gut that isn't indigestion, but more the realization of your own depravity has suddenly balled itself up and settled in the base of your stomach. It is seemingly unmovable at this point.

b. The look on the person's face who you've offended, causes your inward being to shrink to the size of q-tip and you find yourself looking for holes in the ground in which to plunge your head/face/neck.

c. The words that come flinging/flailing out of your mouth are strung together not out of reason or rationale, but more out of furious, half-insane emotion tangled up with rageful, unapologetic idiocy.

2. When to not apologize:

a. When the person to whom you owe the apology is still foaming-at-the-mouth angry.
b. When you you look good and they don't.
c. When you're not really sorry. (Duh).

3. How to apologize via some media:
a. Phone/voicemail:
i. Don't ramble. Or do ramble. Either way to get your point clearly stated -- or just stated at all.
ii. Introduce yourself as the offended person may have erased your phone number already and doesn't know who's calling (....or is that just my own nasty habit?)
iii. Feel free to make jokes. My personal favorite is a "Knock, Knock" -- ever-classy and always lightens the mood.

b. E-mail:
i. This is your chance to be eloquent and thoughtful even if you are not eloquent and thoughtful. So be precise in your words. Say exactly what you mean to say, because you have time to think, edit, rewrite, start over....

c. Some chat medium
i. Stay. Away. Things are 99 % likely to be misunderstood. Sincerity is suddenly sarcasm, and hurt is lost in the sea of ambiguous Smileys.

4. My favorite choice words to use during actual apology:
a. "I'm an idiot."
b. "I think too much and/or not enough."
c. "You were nearby?"
d. "I was WRONG." (*Key phrase)

5. Things to avoid:
a. Telling the person they are an idiot.
b. Pointing out their need to apologize.
c. Looking better than the other person while apologizing.
d. Being an idiot in the apology as well as the offense.

light

2008-11-04T23:30:00.002-06:00

So I've been praying and seeking about direction, and believing for breakthrough in a lot of different areas. And as I've been praying, I've toed a crazy line between days of faith and days of despair. Yesterday, as I was randomly reading this girl's "About Me" section on Facebook, I came face-to-face with a reality of my belief about God. This is part of what she said:

"First things first.....God is so good. There have been quite a few life changing/ life giving transitions lately. About 2 1/2 weeks ago I married my best friend and couldn't be happier! I love being married and highly recommend it.... Everyday we are reminded of the promises God has made for us and are so excited to continually see them fulfilled." (haha..AEH, recognize it?)
Basically, this girl married the love of her life, they are starting a ministry from the ground up, they love their church and are doing well financially. I don't want to be a kill-joy...but of course it's beautiful to see the promises of God when they result in a happy marriage and perfect jobs and everything is sunshine and roses. But I remember when right after Josh died, my friend Donna told me that sometimes "You have to KNOW that you KNOW that you KNOW that God is still good." In her own loss, Donna understood that God's promises and faithfulness does not always show itself in daisies and roses. Sometimes you just have to cling to a truth because it is Truth. And I think for a while, I just hung on to the principle that there are rough spots, but in general God's promises for beauty for ashes remained if you are faithful.

But this is what I had to ask myself after reading this girl's profile: If God never answered, if I never see breakthrough, if it is not beautiful and peaceful at the end of my day, would I still declare His goodness and faithfulness?

Oh man.

In general, I am not brave. I used to think I was. Or at least, I thought I did brave things, you know, travel the world, jump off bridges/cliffs, be sassy. But I'm not. I think I'd rather take the easy road than the high one. I'd rather pretend or ignore than be honest. I'd rather not try than to fail.

I think my bravery was circumstantial, kinda like how I viewed "God's faithfulness." As in, months from now, I don't want to write all over my blog about how "faithful God is and how his promises remain" WHEN I FIND THE JOB, or when I begin to walk in my purpose, because that's what I was believing for. I choose to believe that even if it doesn't come -- his faithfulness is still a piercing beauty that has won my heart. I want to walk with my God in all the faith I have because I KNOW that my God is good.

I still believe His heart is for me, that He is more faithful than the morning. But I want Him to know that if I believe my whole life for breakthrough or for help, and it doesn't come, I have sealed it on my heart that His faithfulness remains even when I can't see it. I know that He holds all things and He still holds me.

You are God alone,
from before time began,
You are on Your throne. You are God alone.
Right now, in the good times and bad,
You are on your throne. You are God alone.
You're unchangeable, unshakeable, that's what you are.
Because you are God alone.

owie

2008-11-02T22:28:00.004-06:00

So I did it (finally). After years of being a 'jogger' I finally ran a race: a half marathon. My goal was to run the entire way and finish the race and I did. (It matters little that at about mile 10, it was no longer a pretty sight, and let it be known that I finished just in front of a white-haired woman probably in her sixties). At any rate, thank you Jesus for legs that run. Thank you that this sickness did not end in death, and here I am, nearly six months to the day later, running a half marathon.

Annndd, let it be known that about mile 12.4, I see Laura (mom) on the other side of the street, yelling, "Use the force, Jennie! Use the force!!" She then proceeds to run across the street and run behind me the rest of the way. haha...oh Laura. I've also decided that the people who came out, brought chairs and signs just to cheer are maybe some of my favorite people. I'm going to do that sometime. It was the sweetest display of selfless encouragement. (Thanks, Mom.)

However, I am sore and think people that run full marathons are nut jobs.

dwelling

2008-10-23T12:59:00.015-05:00

continuing

2008-10-22T15:12:00.005-05:00

More old Europe pics....It kinda makes me want to backpack through Europe again. This time, I'd know to wear at least 2 pair of long johns at all times, bring at least 23,982 granola bars, and make it through like a pro.

Westminister Abbey, England.

In a Shoe. Holland.
Uh. I couldn't resist. Spain.
Train station in Belgium.
Italy.
Berlin.
Prague.

The Cinque Terre, Italy. Seriously, one of my FAVORITE places in the whole world.

favorite things

2008-10-21T13:54:00.003-05:00

So, in this "not being boring" new phase of my blog, I've decided to post some of my favorite things. And so, as I dig deep and figure out what "is Jennie"...I of course came up with these things;

My Asics running shoes. Woot! I'm taking Friend's challenge (to herself) and am starting to 'train' for a half marathon....7 miles last saturday. This weekend 9. We. Shall. See.
Uh. My iPod. I would have to say that it is my favorite earthly possession. Hah..no joke. My brothers gave it to me the Christmas before I studied abroad and I LOVE IT. I love that the back of it says "MeJennie" (Their nickname for me) and "Psalm 139."
FALL. I LOVE IT. The end.
Diet Coke. Haha... Oh Lord, please don't let my brain shrivel up when i'm 90 b/c of the weird affects of aspartame. Fountain diet coke would have to be my favorite, i could drink it any time, day or night. But, Diet Coke Lime is a recent new love...not as standard as regular DC, but still delic.

i make jokes

2008-10-20T22:10:00.011-05:00

After careful consideration, I've realized that my blog is melodramatic and kinda boring. So, to liven things up: OLD EUROPE PICTURES.
Enjoy. More to come when I find some more good ones.

This is Megan and I after our first successful Eurorail trip. Amsterdam
The four of us in Prague.
Hahah..This picture. Oh dear. In summation, Mel and I traded in our couchette tickets for a cheaper, more-stupid option. Result? 7 hours in a PAINFUL seat with 6 other flatulent and generally disagreeable passengers where I slept in 45-minute intervals with intermittent periods of wishing I weren't alive. This is me getting off the train at home.
Me doing what I do best. Sleep-ing.
Yes, I'm going to eat it. I mean, we are in Germany. That's where you eat sausage and sour kraut, right?

The Dance of the Catalan. Spain.

Punching pigeons. Duh. Italy.

Thank you Lord for French crepes. (And for the Frenchman who bought it for me).
The Louvre, Paris.

Dublin.

Glasgow.
Cars. Stoplight. Castle. Scotland.

Papak's word of encouragement

2008-10-19T02:03:00.002-05:00

I was talking to Papak today, and before we got off the phone he gave me the purest word: He has not forgotten you. You are not abandoned. Ask of Him and He will show you. And then he read me this:

Isaiah 55

The Compassion of the LORD

"Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander for the peoples.
Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,
and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
for he has glorified you.

"Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

Thank you Lord that your word does not return void.
Thank you for my heritage.
Father, make my heart bold.

gracious

2008-10-17T13:15:00.004-05:00

Lord,
Mercy in the days ahead.

"Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another."
Romans 12:10

"Thus says the LORD: "Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths,where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls."
Jeremiah 6:16

"..for He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'"
Hebrew 13:5

beauty for ashes

2008-10-13T21:51:00.004-05:00

I read this passage about the Fall today and was so struck at its reality.

"Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man...Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their heart to impurity...because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator. "
- Romans 1:24

Mercy, Lord. Here I am. Ugh.

Thank the Lord and the makers of Zoloft. Ha. These last few weeks have been especially trying. And by 'trying' I do mean that Puffy (my favorite stuffed animal friend since I was maybe 2) has made a reappearance in my arms at night (uh, that's not a joke), and that unexplained crying is a part of my regular, daily routine.

I don't know why my heart feels so conflicted and unsettled. I don't know why I haven't found the way I want to walk. But I haven't. And I am. Yet still, I am confident that He is faithful. Nevermind the fact that I feel like my lifeless Puffalump (the aforementioned stuffed friend) has it more together than I do at this point (Oh you! With your constant gaze and stoic -- but friendly -- demeanor!) I am still resting in the promise that He has me. I am praying earnestly that my heart would remain faithful to His, and no matter what choices lay ahead, I would never exchange the truth about my God for any lie.

Lord, let my spirit rest in the glory of the immortal God, even when I am anything but at rest.

You have won my heart.

mercy.

2008-10-03T23:11:00.003-05:00

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans

"When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died"

- True Love, Phil Wickham

God, the comedian

2008-09-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

So, I have this weird affinity for Praying Mantis (or is it Praying Mantises? Praying Manti? Ha). Anyways, I think they are cool. I mean, they look lives leaves and like a prayerful monk all in one.

I snapped both this pictures in Hawaii. But I've seen one around STL recently.

Ok. So the point is this: I've had a few people in my past who have chosen certain ordinary things that they have asked God to use to remind them that He is thinking about them or loves them or whatever. My mom's is a butterfly. I had a college pastor who chose red balloons. Anyways, it was literally yesterday when I was at the park that I decided I would make my little 'reminder' be these fabulous green weirdos. As in, whenever I saw its weirdness in action, I could be reminded that my Father is thinking about me and loves me no matter what.

Cool.

So. Today. My mom and I were taking a mid-morning walk because today is another one of those beauuuuuuutifulllll Fall days. Toward the end of our walk, my mom shrieks,
"Oh Jennie, look!" she says while pointing downward. What's she pointing at?

A dead, squashed Praying Mantis.

Literally, it looked like someone just took the little guy and laid him perfectly flat on his side and squished him dead. He even had his little 'praying' hands at ready. So there it was: the symbol I had chosen to be a sweet reminder between me and God that my Creator thinks of me -- flattened mercilessly and dead as a doornail.

Cool, God. Real cool.

"confessions" of his ; exhortation of mine

2008-09-20T14:48:00.000-05:00

...If souls please you, let them be loved in God; for in themselves they are mutable, but in him firmly established -- without him they would simply cease to exist. In him, then, let them be loved; and bring along to him with yourself as many souls as you can, and say to them: "Let us love him, for he himself created all these," and he is not far away from them. For he did not create them, and then go away.

They are of him and in him.

Behold, there he is, wherever truth is known. He is within the inmost heart, yet the heart has wandered away from him. Return to your heart, O you transgressors, and

hold fast to him who made you.

Stand with him and you shall stand fast.
Rest in him and you shall be at rest.

Where do you go along these rugged paths? Where are you going? The good that you love is from him, and insofar as it is also for him, it is both good and pleasant. But it will rightly be turned to bitterness if whatever comes from him is not rightly loved and if he is deserted for the love of the creature. Why then will you wander farther and farther in these difficult and toilsome ways?

There is no rest where you seek it.
Seek what you seek; but remember that it is not where you seek it.

You seek for a blessed life in the land of death.
It is not there. For how can there be a blessed life where life itself is not?"

But our very Life came down to earth and bore our death, and slew it with the very abundance of his own life. And, thundering, he called us to return to him into that secret place from which he came forth to us...

For he did not delay, but ran through the world, crying out by words, deeds, death, life, descent, ascension -- crying aloud to us to return to him. And he departed from our sight that we might return to our hearts and find him there.

For he left us, and behold, he is here.

He could not be with us long, yet he did not leave us. He went back to the place that he had never left, for "the world was made by him."[104] In this world he was, and into this world he came, to save sinners. To him my soul confesses, and he heals it, because it had sinned against him.

O sons of men, how long will you be so slow of heart?

Even now after Life itself has come down to you, will you not ascend and live? But where will you climb if you are already on a pinnacle and have set your mouth against the heavens? ... Tell this to the souls you love that they may weep in the valley of tears, and so bring them along with you to God, because it is by his spirit that you speak thus to them, if, as you speak, you burn with the fire of love.

- St. Augustine, "Confessions"
book iv, chapter 12

Dear God,

2008-09-18T22:07:00.001-05:00

I'm kinda annoyed at you right now. Please know that I am extremely grateful for how you care for me and watch over me. But I just don't the heck know where my life is going or how I could even begin to do your will if I don't get to hear from you.

Signed,
Daughter